


Love You to Death

by minnitoki



Category: B.A.P, GOT7
Genre: 2Jae, Angst, JJ Project - Freeform, Just heartbreak after heartbreak, M/M, Unrequited Love, all of got7 has some role in here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-10-25 04:30:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 35,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10756752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minnitoki/pseuds/minnitoki
Summary: Everyone knows JB and JR are a "thing". Its not hard to see that. But no one knows what happens when night falls and the door to JB and Youngjae's bedroom closes. No one knows that Youngjae's the one that takes all the stress away from JB... That he's the one that loves JB through all his flaws, the one that follows without any question...No one knows.And it seems as if JB wants it that way.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Cross posting from my AFF~!

He knows it’s poison to himself. He knows it’s killing him slowly, even if he denies it. Every brush of the fingers, every muffled moan, every gentle comforting kiss on his neck. Everything is poisoning him, making him hallucinate a happy ending. Making him wish for more. It’s killing him but pleasuring him at the same time. 

"Turn around."

And he does. No questions asked because he's addicted to this intoxicating feeling. This painful pleasure that he had grown to want, grown to need. If he had a wish, just one wish, he'd wish these moments never ended. He'd wish that the pleasure lasted forever, that this was reality and reality was a far away dream.

"Hyu-"

Youngjae's body arches beautifully as he gets another hit of that satisfying bliss he never gets enough of. His arms are shaking as he holds himself up on his elbows and knees, head thrown back against the other's shoulder. 

They move in sync to each other. Youngjae pushing back as JB thrusts forward. Its the sound of skin aganist skin and low moans that resonates through the room. Its fire and flames, hot and heavy, and almost higher than cloud nine. Their movements become faster and harsher, each thrust pushing Youngjae up the bed a little more. He's soon grabbing onto the head board as the only leverage to sanity. 

"Hy-hyung..."

"Shhhh..."

It’s more of warning than anything, but Youngjae understands. He always did. Whatever JB said, he followed. 

Youngjae's knuckles are white, holding on for dear life as JB endlessly thrusts into him. The end is near, he can feel it in his guts, and the way JB's movements have become rather erratic. Youngjae releases one hand from the head board and grips his member, pumping at the same rate as JB's thrusts. It doesn't more than 3, 4, 5 tightly gripped strokes before Youngjae is dropping his head into the pillow and muffling his groan as he releases all over his hands. 

JB is still thrusting when he pushes Youngjae completely flat onto the bed as he tries to reach his own high. Youngjae's entire body is aching and over sensitive as he conforms to JB's needs. He bites his tongue and doesn't express the slight pain he is experiencing from the friction on his over sensitive member. He's suddenly begging for the end because he's hurting really bad.

"Hurt... it hurts... hyung..."

But JB doesn't seem to care. All he wants is his blissful end. And fortunately for the younger, it doesn't take much longer. JB bites down onto Youngjae's shoulder to muffle his groan as he shoots his load into the condom. 

Youngjae is feigning ignorance of the pain because he knew it was over, it'll be better now. No more pain... for now.

JB quickly pulls out and discards the condom into the trashcan, not forgetting to cover it with some other trash. Youngjae's now on his side, curled up slightly and facing the wall, away from JB. He's trying to calm down his breathing pattern as he hears the elder shuffle around, trying to find close and hide the evidence of their activities. He's almost asleep when he feels a nudge on his back.

"Yah. Put some clothes on." JB's voice is quiet. 

"I'm tired. Just tell them not to come in here."

"Hurry up! We're gonna go get some late night snacks with the others so you have get up"

"Go without me." 

Youngjae winces as JB nudges him again, but this time a bit closer to his lower back.

"Get up and be ready in 15 minutes."

And with that JB walks out of the room, leaving a sore Youngjae to clean himself up. The younger groans as he pushes himself up. This is literally hell on earth, Youngjae thinks to himself. 

He carefully gets dressed after wiping down his hands and the soiled bedding. He tries his best to ignore the soreness in his entire lower half and makes his way out of the room. He meets Yukyeom in the hallway. 

"Oh. Hyung. I thought you were asleep." 

"Weren't we all going to go get something to eat?"

"Umm. We just changed the plan. Didn't JB hyung tell you?"

"Umm... no."

"Oh... ummmmm well BamBam and I will be cooking if you want to join us."

"Umm. Sure."

Yugyeom smiles brightly as they walk into the kitchen. Youngjae can't help but notice the two people sitting rather closely on the sofa. His brows furrow the slightest as he sits at the dinner table. He tries to ignore them. He really does. He focuses his attention on the two in the kitchen trying to figure what to make. He curses himself when he finds his attention on JB and Jinyoung again.

Youngjae watches as JB curls into the side of Jinyoung as they keep going on about some lame joke that they heard a few days ago. He knows he shouldn't be mad. He's not even sure if "mad" is the correct term to use in this situation. He just doesn't like seeing JB all cuddly with someone other than him. Right... no one even knows about them being cuddle buddies, and sometimes more. 

He's lost track of all the times they had gone past the limits of bandmates. But he's some how kept track of all the times that JB has blatantly pretended as if nothing had happened. As if Youngjae wasn't the one that was just in his arms giving him what he wanted. 

Like right now. JB pokes Jinyoung's side causing a loud giggle to roar through the room. They're comfortable with each other. And too comfortable for Youngjae's liking. JB doesn't even spare Youngjae a glance as if it wasn't Youngjae's bare skin that his fingers were tracing just 30 minutes ago. As if it wasn't Youngjae's body he was pulling close to his. A low chuckle escapes JB's lips and pushes Youngjae over the edge. He's had enough. 

Youngjae adruptly stands up from his place at the dinner table and walks into his room. He grabs his backpack and stuffs it with a few notebooks, books, and his pencil bag. He throws a sweater on over his head and slides into it perfectly. He grabs his favorite snapback before he flicks the lights out and walks out into the living room making his way towards the front door as he swings the backpack over his shoulder. 

"I'm going out." Youngjae announces. But is met with no response. JB and Jinyoung are still flirting, Yukyeom and BamBam were preoccupied in the kitchen with whatever they were trying to make. And Mark and Jackson were knocked out cold in their room. Without saying anything else Youngjae slips on his sneakers and leaves, not forgetting to grab the spare keys and locking the door. 

He walks into the cooler night. The night sky is clear but the city lights kill the shine of the stars. With his headphones in and music on the loudest it can go, Youngjae makes his way towards the studio; the only place that seems to be to clear his mind. 

His mind is still jumbled with thoughts of JB. He knows that its probably just his teenager hormones messing with him again; the last of it at least. But it still is able render him breathless when he thinks of how JB just so heartlessly ignores him. But he figures its what he deserves. 

At the beginning of all this, he thought he wouldn't be effected at all. It started out casual. But then they both built a routine and in a matter of weeks their night life was just as hectic and adrenaline pumping as their days. It started as a simple stress reliever for both of them and now it somehow has become something Youngjae needed. 

Its poison. He knows. But if wanting JB is a sin then he'll gladly take the consequences. Its poison to him... but he bleeds his heart and loves to the death because that's all he can do.


	2. One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone knows JB and JR are a "thing". Its not hard to see that. But no one knows what happens when night falls and the door to JB and Youngjae's bedroom closes. No one knows that Youngjae's the one that takes all the stress away from JB... That he's the one that loves JB through all his flaws, the one that follows without any question...
> 
> No one knows.
> 
> And it seems as if JB wants it that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cross posting from my AFF~!

Youngjae likes music. Cross that. He loves music. He loves dancing. But most importantly, he loves singing. It has always been a big part of his life. Whether it be singing for choir class, for his parents, at church, or just for himself, it was always something that he could call his own. His music was his and no one else’s. But lately… it didn’t feel like it. Music had become dull to Youngjae. It didn’t give him the feelings it once did. His mind didn’t run a mile a minute. His breathing didn’t catch when he felt the emotions clog up his throat. It was just… nothing.

Youngjae stared at the pale face in the mirror. Who are you? He didn’t know the answer anymore. What are you doing here? He watches as his eyebrows furrow in deeply. Is this what you really wanted? The song playing in the end comes to a stop and his trance is suddenly broken. He sighs deeply and relaxes his tense shoulders. He takes one last look at himself before he walks across the dance studio to turn off the stereo and grab his things. He makes his way out of the studio and sooner than he wanted, he’s standing outside of their dorm already. He decides he can’t deal with everything yet so he takes a seat on the concrete steps and takes out his phone. He scrolls down a few numbers and lands on one that he hadn’t used for a while. He doesn’t hesitate when he presses the call button.

He listens to the dial tone.

“Hello?”

“Yoo~~~!!!” Youngjae calls out childishly.

“Ah…” There’s a soft laughter. “Choi~~~~~!!!”

A smile creeps onto Youngjae’s face. He really needed this. He just needed someone. Anyone.

“Hyung~! What are you doing?” Youngjae digs his heels into the concrete as he rocks back and forth.

“Nothing much. I’m just at the practice studio with some of the members.”

“With members? Like… plural?” Youngjae asked teasingly curious. “Or members… like… just Daehyun?”

Youngjae smiles at the loud laughter from the other end. “YAH~! Choi Youngjae! You have gotten a lot bolder!”

Youngjae laughs along as well. “Yah! Yoo Youngjae! You are right!”

“Hey Choi! I’m still your hyung, am I not?”

“Okay. Okay.” The younger answered with a laugh.

“Anyways. Why are you calling?” The older asked from the other side. “You seem to have forgotten me these last few months but why are you suddenly calling again? You finally miss me?”

And with that, Youngjae could hear a loud Daehyun asking who it was; asking if the older Youngjae could put the call on speaker. Oh yeah. Possessive Daehyun is definitely still doing his job well as a boyfriend.

“Yah! Tell Daehyun to calm down. I’m not going to steal you away. Why is he so-

“Yah! Choi Youngjae!” Daehyun’s loud voice causes the younger to flinch and pull the phone away from his ear.

“Hyuuungg~!” Youngjae whined. “Stop screaming at me! I just wanted to talk to Yoo hyung!”

Daehyun tsked annoyingly but handed over the phone again with a mumbled I get jealous… so what?

“Yoo hyung~!” Youngjae called out with sweet innocence.

“Yah! Choi. That’s annoying. Stop talking all childishly. It doesn’t match you.”

“Hyung! How would you know that? I look younger than my age.”

“Uhhh… Yeah? Well, I know what you and JB are doing behind closed doors… sooo that kind of contradicts your innocence.” The older Youngjae lets out a laughter after Daehyun shares a loud Ewwww!!!

On the other hand, the younger Youngjae became quiet. He really didn’t want to talk about JB. He called his only other companions just because he needed a distraction away from the topic of JB. Youngjae bit his lip when the laughter on the other end quieted down. Then all he hears is a loud and heavy sigh.

“Is it JB again?”

And Youngjae’s quite amazed that after the long months of not talking to the elder, the elder is still able to read him like a book. Without another word the tears he’s held in escapes him. He doesn’t know why he was crying. He knows there’s nothing worth crying for. It’s not like they were dating and JB was cheating. It wasn’t like they were dating and then broke. They weren’t anything at all, but the tears kept coming and soon Youngjae’s fingers were digging into his cheeks as his palm muffled the cries from his throat. His head was buried into his knees. He wasn’t sure how long it was before he heard from the other side again.

“Yah… Choi Youngjae. Where are you?” The elder asked caringly. “I’ll come to you.”

Youngjae didn’t answer. He couldn’t. His heaving chest was giving him a hard time breathing and he was feeling light headed. Instead of answering, he waited until he was calm enough to lean back onto the concrete landing and lay flat on his back. The coolness calmed him down a bit. It felt good, crying like that and letting everything, or more like nothing, out. He feels a heavy pressure off his chest. Sure it was still a bit heavy but the little space that was now there feels like he can finally live a little more humanely. With a sigh he breaks the silence that had developed again.

“I’m sitting outside of our dorms. I just got back from the studio.” Youngjae heaves a sigh before deciding it was getting too late to be holding the others on the phone with him. “I’m okay. I just needed a distraction.”

“Are you going inside?”

“Umm… I think so. I just need to sleep. I’m tired.”

“Hmmm… Okay. Well, call me when you wake up. We’re recording for MuBank tomorrow. I know you guys are too so just come hang out with me for a bit okay?”

“Okay.” Youngjae sits up with a deep breath. “Good night hyung. I’m sorry for keeping you.”

“No problem. I’m just-” There’s a silence before the elder continues. “Just call me whenever you can okay? I know it gets lone- hard… sometimes. So don’t hesitate to call. Got it?”

“I got it hyung. Now go before Daehyun bites my head off.”

“HHYYYUUUNNNGGG~~~~!” A new voice floods the call.

“YAH! GET OFF ME!”

“Uhhhh-

“YAH CHOI JUNHONG!!! GET OFF ME THIS SECOND.”

There’s shuffling on the other side which confuses Youngjae for a second before-

“Hi! Are you Youngjae hyung’s other boyfriend? Looky here dude. He’s with Daehyun. Sorry to break it to you, but you kind of need to back off.” There’s more shuffling and struggling noises. “Daehyun hyung says you’ve been talking to Youngjae hyung a lot. You need to stop. Yo- AHHHH! Hyung! You bit me!!!!!”

And the line is suddenly cut. Youngjae furrows his eyebrows in confusion and stares at his phone, unsure of what just happened. He lets out a laugh at the absurdity of the entire situation as he stands up and makes his way upstairs to the dorm room. It’s late, so he’s expecting everyone to be asleep. He just really wants to quietly slip into bed and sleep for as long as he’s allowed to before the next schedule is thrown in his face. As he unlocks the door, all he hears in silence from inside. He gently turns the lock and pushes the door open. He’s surprised to see that all the lights are on. As he’s taking off his shoes he hears rushed footsteps coming towards the door.

“Did you guys find hi-

Youngjae is confused when he sees an irritated face in front of him. He winces when JB grabs his wrist and all but drags him to the living room. Before being able to go any further, Youngjae yanks his arm from JB’s grip.

“What are you-

“What the hell Youngjae?!” JB yelled out loud. “Where the hell were you? Why didn’t you tell us you were going out?” JB grabbed the younger’s shoulders and shook him. “I almost fuckin’ got in trouble because of you! We’ve been out looking for you for the past hour.”

“I told you guys I was going out. I announced it loud and clear.” Youngjae scoffed at the absurdity. “Do you even know how long I was gone?” Youngjae asked curiously.

“I don’t know… an hour or so?” JB ran a hand through his hair. “Doesn’t fuckin’ matter!”

“Hyung.” Youngjae says quietly hiding all his frustration. “I was gone for 4 hours.” Youngjae pointed out matter-of-factly. “And you guys just realized it.” He scoffed annoyingly. “Hyung. Don’t pretend like you care if I died or not.” And without another word, Youngjae pushes past JB and headed towards their room. But JB grabs his wrist and whips him around.

“What the fuck are you saying?” JB’s even angrier now, if it was even possible. “Watch your fuckin’ mouth!”

“JB!” A new voice interrupted from the front door.

Youngjae watched as JR rushed over and slapped JB’s hand off of Youngjae’s arm. “What the hell are you doing? Is this how you’re being a good leader?” JB doesn’t answer JR and Youngjae is even more pissed off. Youngjae looked so pathetic right now didn’t he? Having to be protected by the one person you didn’t want to get involved with. Everything was just against Youngjae right now. Without another word, Youngjae turns around and tries to rush away but is stopped again.

“Apologize!” JR demanded from JB. “You’re the hyung! Apologize!”

“I don’t want anything from him.” Youngjae said heartlessly.

“I said apologize!” JR harshly demanded again.

Having enough of the situation and being tired of looking pathetic, Youngjae yanks his arm away from JR’s grip. But the force from Youngjae’s movement causes JR to fall forward and he lands on his hands and knees with a loud scream. It takes a moment before they can all comprehend what has happened and before he knows how to react, a hard thud is heard and all Youngjae can feel is the sting on his cheek.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” JB yells at Youngjae as he rushes to JR’s side. Youngjae finally sees what has happened. JR’s hand is limp and he’s hissing in pain, trying to bite back the threatening tears. “Are you okay?” Youngjae hears JB ask JR and Youngjae suddenly feels guilty. JR didn’t have anything to do with this fight but he was hurt. Youngjae kneels next to JR and reached out for him.

“Hy-Hyung…” Youngjae tries to tend to him but his hands are harshly swatted away by JB.

“Don’t touch him!” JB screams at Youngjae.

It’s a flurry of movements, but in moments JR is being rushed out of the apartment with JB and a few other members with their manager. Youngjae is left behind with Jackson, Yukyeom and Bambam while the others rushed to the hospital. There’s only silence when the door slams closed. Youngjae is standing there still a bit dazed from what happened.

“Youngjae-ah.” Jackson decides to break the ice. “Wha-

“Hyung. I’m going to bed. Tell me they get back.” And with that he walks back to his room. Without changing out of his dirty clothes, he collapsed onto the bed. His eyes stayed glued to the ceiling as the silent tears escaped the corners of his eyes. This was fucked up. All of this was fucked up. He didn’t want anyone to get hurt. He just wanted to have some space to breathe. What was so hard about that? He just couldn’t handle the suffocating atmosphere of the dorm life, that’s why he left to the studio. But he ended up getting one of his members injured. And not just that, but this had to happen right before their comeback. Youngjae tugged a rugged hand through his hair thinking about all the consequences of JR’s injury. Would their comeback be postponed? Will they lose their income? Will scandals rise and question the teamwork of their group? Youngjae’s mind explored all possibilities and before he knew it his hand was gripping his phone and a familiar phone was dialed.

“Wow. Two phone calls in one night.” A familiar voice greeted him. “I’m honored.”

“Hyung…” Youngjae doesn’t care about biting back the tears. He lets his sobs be heard for the first time in a while. “Hy-hyung… I fucked up again. I fucked it all up again…”


	3. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone knows JB and JR are a "thing". Its not hard to see that. But no one knows what happens when night falls and the door to JB and Youngjae's bedroom closes. No one knows that Youngjae's the one that takes all the stress away from JB... That he's the one that loves JB through all his flaws, the one that follows without any question...
> 
> No one knows.
> 
> And it seems as if JB wants it that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cross posting from my AFF~!

It’s been 2 weeks since the incident with JR and Youngjae’s still beating himself up about what happened. Despite JR’s claims of being alright, Youngjae is still keeping his distance and isolating himself. He spends a lot of his time in his reflective mode; thinking about everything he’s done wrong, and how he’ll have to fix himself up. More importantly, how he’ll face JB. 

It’s been 2 weeks and JB still wasn’t talking to Youngjae. He’s not exactly sure why either. Youngjae was almost sure that once the elders came back from the hospital he would get a good lecture from all three but instead Mark gave JB a long passive aggressive speech while JR simply sat across from JB, occasionally sending death glares. But for Youngjae. Nothing. 

“Your bruise is going away.” 

Youngjae looks up from where his eyes were glued to the floor. Jackson is standing there with two cups of warm green tea. Youngjae spares a soft smile and reaches out one of his hand. 

“What?” Jackson asks teasingly. “These are both for me!”

Youngjae’s mouth twists into a small pout and lowers his hand while Jackson sits down next to him. Youngjae keeps his eyes concentrated on the ground, hands folded and in between his knees. Jackson has been doing this a lot. Teasing Youngjae on and off screen. And Youngjae has a feeling that it’s the elder’s own way of comforting him and he’s thankful. 

Jackson was in the middle of saying something when the waiting room door swings open. Mark is standing between JR and JB as JR leads the trio into the room. JR sends Youngjae and Jackson a greeting smile and so does Mark, but JB simply stares at the two. The elder’s eyes seem to analyze the closeness of Jackson and Youngjae’s sitting positions and seems to almost scowl at them. Youngjae, feeling slightly uncomfortable at the way he was getting stared at forced his gaze away from the elder with a fake cough. But this seems to have upset the elder even more. 

“Yah! Jackson!” JB calls out. “Is that tea for me?” JB playfully jokes. 

“No.” Jackson responds with no humor. “It’s for Youngjae.” And with that Jackson grabs Youngjae’s hand and places the warm cup of tea in it. “Nothing for you hyung. Just for Youngjae.” Youngjae looks at Jackson confused but Jackson throws an arm around the younger’s shoulder and continues. “Gotta keep our main vocalist healthy. Wouldn’t want him to hurt his throat… or anything else. Don’t you think so hyung?” There’s sharp gaze that Jackson sends JB. 

And if looks could kill, Jackson would already be dead ten times over. But the tension is put to rest as soon as the two youngest members came rushing in with arms full of snacks.

“You guys!!!! We just visited the SBS café!!! AND THEY HAVE AMAZING TREATS!” Bambam exclaimed excitedly. And as if nothing had transpired, all the members gathered around the small table that the snacks were placed and dug in. Youngjae grabs a few and then backs away to the safety of his isolation seat next to the window. He tears open a small rice cake pack and carefully picks at it. Its mere seconds before he is joined by non-other than…

“Yah! Is that good?” Jackson asked excitedly. “Wanna share with me? I got this thing…” And that’s the last thing that Youngjae can really comprehend as Jackson continues. Youngjae isn’t sure how long Jackson’s monologue continued on before the elder made his presence known again.

“Yah.” Jackson nudges Youngjae’s shoulder in a brotherly way. “Wanna get out of here?” He does his signature eyebrow wiggle. “I heard B.A.P. sunbaenims are only a few doors down from ours!” He almost whisperingly says. Youngjae takes it into consideration and before he knows it he’s nodding yes and they’re both out of the room. 

~ * ~

“Their room is right here.” The pretty assistant gestured toward the door with ‘BAP’ written on it. “There performance isn’t for another 2 hours.” 

“Thank you.” Jackson says bowing a respectful 45 degree and then knocking on the door. There’s a few voices behind the door but one distinct voice answers with a ‘come in’.

“Choi~~~!!!” BAP’s Youngjae was the first to notice the duo. He jumps out of the seat next to Daehyun and rushes over to his dongsaeng. “Yahhh~ I was just kidding when I said we need to hang out more often but you know… whatever you’re here now.” The older male swings his arm around the younger’s shoulder. “Come here! Lemme introduce you to everyone.”

“Uh… wait hyung…” The younger male turns towards his bandmate. “This is Jackson…”

“I know!” 

“I was here before he left for TS Entertainment.” Jackson reminds the younger Youngjae. 

They all simply laughed it off and the older Youngjae finally gets to real introductions. Though B.A.P. were much higher seniors compared to the duo, the conversations were fairly laidback and friendly. Yongguk and Himchan were never really the type to hang the ‘ _ I’m your sunbae _ ’ title over anyone’s head, Daehyun and Youngjae were nearly the same age as Jackson and they were fairly close with the younger Youngjae. Jongup and Junhong, the two youngest ones in the room, were shy but nevertheless greeted them like they would anyone else. As soon as introductions were done, and Jackson discovers Jongup’s love for Pokemon, anime and Chris Brown he all but jumps on Jongup. Everyone seems to have split off into their own little groups, Yongguk and Himchan were speaking with their managers about their schedules while Jackson and Jongup played with Jongup’s new Pokemon game he had recently bought. Daehyun and Youngjae were still getting their makeup done for their next performance leaving the younger Youngjae to simply hang out by himself. Which kind of really beat the purpose of coming here in the first place, he thought to himself. But didn’t complain nonetheless. 

Youngjae decides he’ll just hang out on the sofa while he waited for Jackson and Jongup to finish the game before he suggested they head back to their waiting room. He secretly wished that Jackson would keep playing the game as to prolong their stay. It didn’t matter that he was alone here, he just needed to be away from a certain entity in the other room. He slides down the sofa a bit so that his head was rested on the back of the sofa. He closed his eyes and took in a few deep breaths as to relax the stiffness in his shoulders a bit. 

“Is it… okay… if I sit here?” A voice causes Youngjae to snap his eyes open.

“Ye-Yeah.” Youngjae smiles in a friendly way. “Not like I was saving it for anyone.” He mumbled the end. 

“Thanks…” Junhong replied softly, barely heard by Youngjae. 

Then it’s silent between the two neither not knowing what to say to the other. Though it’s awkward for both of them, Junhong stays connected to his iPad and Youngjae keeps staring at the other Youngjae and Daehyun’s makeup being professionally done. He finds it a bit fascinating to be quite honest. 

Youngjae is startled when he feels a slight vibration from his pocket. He had completely forgotten that his phone was in his pocket and he was expecting a call from his mother. It had been a good few months since he last visited home and his mother was practically willing to kill someone to see her baby, but the next best thing was to call. She knew that the boys haven’t gotten much time to rest so she calls whenever Youngjae tells her it’s okay to. He quickly grabs the phone out of his pocket and answers it with a bright smile.

“Mummy!!!” His natural Mokpo accent slightly slips up. “How are you?” He tries to keep his voice down as to not bother the boy that was sitting next to him. “I’m doin’ fine. Just a bit tired.” His smile grows brighter when he hears his father’s voice as well. “Hey Dad. I’m doin’ fine. Are you and mummy doing well?” They end up discussing Youngjae’s older brother’s new job for a while and his older sister’s new boyfriend before Youngjae’s father suddenly remembers they were supposed to have left to their relative’s house by now. They say rushed goodbyes before hanging up. 

Youngjae’s honestly a bit sad that the conversation was so short. Even though things were a bit tough at the moment, talking with his parents so light heartedly made him miss home. At home, in his small house with his parents, and his older siblings everything was alright. He didn’t have to worry about the public’s opinion about his face, or his awkward personality, or his body shape. He didn’t have to worry too much about what he said, or how he said or simply how he sounded. Though it’s not as prominent in himself as other, he still had a soft Mokpo accent and he often got teased about it. He learned to not like the way he spoke, but now, at this very moment he honestly really missed hearing that stupid accent. 

“Are… You from Mokpo too?” Junhong asked innocently quiet.

Youngjae turns to face Junhong, eyes wide and surprised that the taller kid was talking to him. “Uhhh… Yeah. Are you?”

“Yeah!” Junhong’s face contorts into a smile. “What neighborhood are you from?” 

And what seemed like a small coincidence blooms into a full-fledged conversation. In no time, they have figured out that they had attended middle school in the same area, played on rivalling baseball teams during their earlier childhood, and even managed to get accepted into the same high school. Of course they were transferred into a Seoul City high school due to their careers now, but the idea of having a fellow idol star at your high school was pretty interesting. In the middle of exchanging memories of how they always got lost at their middle schools, they are interrupted by a rather nervous Jackson.

“Yah! We have to go! Our performance is in 20 minutes!” Jackson quickly rushes Youngjae out of his seat next to Junhong and leads him to the door. Youngjae has a split send to mumble a quiet  _ ‘it was nice meeting you all!’ _ and a short  _ ‘let’s hangout again’ _ in his natural Mokpo dialect to Junhong before nearly getting trampled out of the door.

“Oh my gosh!!!” Jackson all but drags Youngjae down the hall. “We’re dead! We’re so dead! JB’s going to kill us!” 

The duo stops right in front of their respective waiting room door, took a deep breath before pushing down on the handle and opening the door. They’re more than surprised when all they see is JB sitting in the center of the sofa and JR fixing a few strands of stray hair in the vanity mirror. Jackson doesn’t seem to think it’s weird, but that’s just Jackson. But Youngjae knew something was up. 

Maybe it was the way that JB’s chest was raising and falling too fast for someone that was sitting, or the way his fists are clenched onto the soft seats of the sofa, or the few beads of sweat dripping down the back of his neck. Maybe it was the dilated eyes of JB, or the pale pink marks on the side of JR’s neck, or the fact that JB’s belt was still a bit unloosened. Or maybe it was the slight eye contact that Youngjae made with JB that made the younger realized what just transpired between the two. Youngjae tries to not think about it. He tries to harden his facial expression as to not show the red he was seeing. The silent rumbles in his chest threatened this though. The bubbling of whatever it was in Youngjae’s throat made it hard for him to breathe. The mental image of JB being pleasured by JR nearly pushed him over the edge.

“Umm… I…” Youngjae choked out quietly. “I’m gonna run to the restroom really quick.” He managed to squeak out before turning around and rushing out of the room. His brows are furrowed in frustration at himself, at JB, or maybe at the entire world. He all but shoves the bathroom door open and quickly ducks into one of the stalls. He slams the door shut and locks it before stumbling onto the toilet. 

_ Keep it together Youngjae. _

He’s hyperventilating by this point.

_ It’s not a big deal.  _

He squeezes his eyes shut trying to forget the mental images that keep replaying themselves.

_ You guys aren’t even together.  _

He bites his lips together and try to breathe through his nose as to calm his body down.

_ It’s just sex. _

_ … _

_ Just sex. _

There’s tears brimming. Tears of frustration.

_ Hey dumbass! He’s not yours. _

His fists are clenched and his forearms are digging into the walls on either side of him.

_ He doesn’t give a shit about you!  _

He lets out a shuddering breath.

_ He doesn’t want you… _

Youngjae jumps when he hears banging on the stall door. 

“Get out.” It’s JB.

“I’m still using the bathroom.” Youngjae answers sharply. 

“I’m not stupid. Get out here.” 

Youngjae lets out a harsh huff of air before pulling himself together again and standing up. He wipes the tears away with the back of his hands before cleaning them off on his thighs. He takes a deep breath before flushing the toilet and unlocking the door to walk out toward the sinks. He silently washes his hands as he feels JB’s interrogative eyes driving into the back of his head. 

“What?” Youngjae asks annoyingly.

“I’m your hyung.” JB states firmly. 

“Then you should act more like it.” Youngjae mumbles to himself.

“What did you say?” JB takes a few steps towards Youngjae. “Say it again.”

Youngjae quickly turns off the faucet and grabs a few paper towels drying his hands nonchalantly before turning around and giving JB an answer.

“What do you want, hyung?” Youngjae questioned, emphasizing the last word. He’s not sure where the sudden burst of confidence came from. Maybe his frustration?

“What’s wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with me?” Youngjae scoffs. “There’s nothing wrong with me, hyung. I’m perfectly fine, hyung. Don’t worry about me… hyung.” Youngjae pushes past JB but didn’t get far. JB grabs Youngjae’s wrist and spins him around to face him. 

“Why are you acting like this?” JB asked frustratingly. 

“Acting like what hyung?” Youngjae questions. “I’m not acting like anything. This is me.” 

“You can’t stand to be in the same room as me. You can’t even look me in the eyes.” JB subconsciously steps closer to the younger male. “Why?”

Youngjae feels his heart beat jump at the feeling of having JB’s body so close to his. He mentally slaps himself when he catches on to how his body was reacting to the close proximity of their bodies. He feels the heat and that’s all he can feel at the moment. But then the images of JB and JR together invades his mind again and Youngjae’s walls are suddenly rising up again. 

“Why don’t you ask yourself that hyung? You’re the one that has been ignoring me the past two weeks.” Youngjae snatches his arm out of JB’s grip and hightails it out of the bathroom before JB can answer. 

Its seconds after Youngjae reenters the waiting room that the staff informs them they have to head towards the stage now. They all file out of the room and as they make their way down the hallway, they are joined by a red faced JB. Youngjae makes sure to stick closely to Jackson and Yukyeom as they enter the backstage area, avoiding any unnecessary contact with JB. He keeps his eyes straight ahead focused on the stage and fans that were screaming loudly. 

_ It’s going to be okay.  _

_ Just breathe… _

“Youngjae-ssi?” One of the staff calls out causing Youngjae to turn back. 

He regrets it the second he sees JB’s hands rest comfortably on the side of JR’s waist. To others it may seem as if it was only brotherly love, but Youngjae knew better. Youngjae knew JB more than anyone and the small physical contact was a sort of a comforting mechanism for him. JB was using JR as a stronghold of his comfort, and Youngjae had to force himself to bite back the bile that was raising in his throat. He fought through the cold sweat that seem to take over his body as he stepped towards the staff. 

“You just needed to turn on your mic. Turn around. I’ll turn it on for you.”

And Youngjae follows obediently as he keeps his eyes glued on the ground. 

“Lift up your shirt for me. I just need to get to the back of the mic.”

And Youngjae does so. He pulls the back hem of his shirt up far enough so that the staff can reach where she needed to. That also meant that a nice sliver of his pale skin was exposed to anyone that was paying any attention to see. Purposely avoiding any eye contact with JB, Youngjae misses the way JB’s eyes thins into sharp slits as he sees the staff’s fingers making contact with the younger’s skin. His hands moved from JR’s waist into the pockets of his stage outfit’s jacket and he tries really hard to keep the scowl off of his face. 

His fist clenches even more when he notices how the staff’s fingers are lingering longer than they should on the other’s mic strap and his skin. And he catches himself before letting out his growl when he sees her helping him roll his shirt back down to cover the small amount of skin that was revealed. Her face is beet red but he doesn’t seem too bothered by it, completely oblivious to her advances. JB watches as Youngjae shuffles forward a bit to catch up with the younger members who were already standing on the edge of the backstage curtains. He silently witnesses the heavy sigh that Youngjae lets out before following the other members onto stage and he feels a strange tight and tumbling feeling in his stomach. But he brushes it off as he, too, steps on stage. 

They start off with a short introduction of themselves to their fans and the production crew before getting into their positions. JB can’t help but give a quick glance towards Youngjae but he feels eyes on himself. His eyes meets JR’s. And he suddenly feels guilt. He’s not sure why but when JR’s eyes dart towards Youngjae and then back at him with a soft smile, the guilt builds. But the music starts and like all of the other members, he forces the bubbly expression onto his face and does his part. 


	4. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone knows JB and JR are a "thing". Its not hard to see that. But no one knows what happens when night falls and the door to JB and Youngjae's bedroom closes. No one knows that Youngjae's the one that takes all the stress away from JB... That he's the one that loves JB through all his flaws, the one that follows without any question...
> 
> No one knows.
> 
> And it seems as if JB wants it that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cross posting from my AFF~!

“Cut!” The PD yells out once more. They have lost count of how many cuts there were. “Youngjae! You messed up again! Get your head in the right place please!” He looks at his watch a split second. “Alright, let’s take a quick 5 and then we can hopefully finish it!” And with that everyone scatters. 

Youngjae groans as he finds a seat at the end of the stage just barely covered by the back stage curtains. He runs a hand through his hair before fixing it back up and shaking it back into place. He lets out a loud sigh as he laid down back onto the stage floor.

He’s staring at the catwalk across the ceiling when he feels a few soft taps on his knees. He sighs as he sits up on his elbows and glances at the presence that has just joined him. Even at the height the stage was at the new presence was able to be clearly seen in Youngjae’s position. 

“Don’t stress too much about it. Everyone makes mistakes.” Junhong says as he sends Youngjae a comforting smile. “Plus.” He gestures his head towards the camera directors that were preoccupied with getting the camera angles correct. “I think they’re having a harsh day too.” 

As surprising as it is, Youngjae easily relaxed at what Junhong said. He wasn’t sure if it was the caring and soft tone in Junhong’s voice or if it was just the young boy in general that made him less tense, but whatever it was it was working. Youngjae throws his head back but keeps himself balanced on his elbows. He lets out a soft chuckle before taking in another deep breath.

“I guess you’re right.” Youngjae’s voice is just as soft as Junhong’s. Somehow he doesn’t even remember why he was getting so worked up anymore. A smile shortly grazes his lips when he hears Junhong’s soft laugh follow his. 

“And in my eyes, I think you’re doing pretty well.” Junhong adds on with a shy smile. “You’re not as bad as Jackson hyung.” Junhong teases in a friendly tone. “But you know… Don’t tell him that.”

This causes Youngjae to fall back onto his back and let out a chesty laugh. “You’re only saying that because he beat your record on that Pokemon game he was playing earlier.” 

“Yes.” Junhong laughs along. “And no.” Youngjae turns his head to the side and glances down his body towards Junhong. He hasn’t realized that Junhong had stepped up closer to him and was almost in between his slightly spread legs. This causes a soft pink hue to attack his cheeks as Junhong carried on with their conversation. “Sure I want to get back at Jackson hyung for beating my high score, but I still think you’re doing really well. I mean you’re always on pitch and you’re dancing is… pretty tolerable so…” Junhong’s teasing voice stretched the smile on Youngjae’s lips even wider. 

“Gee… Thanks for that vote of confidence.” Youngjae said as he sat up suddenly towering over Junhong’s standing stature. His breath is caught when he realizes how close they were. 

“Uh… Sorry.” Junhong steps back a few steps and scratches the back of his head shyly. “Anyways. Keep it up. Don’t stress too much about it.” Junhongs back to his cheeky self and this causes a sudden light feeling in Youngjae’s stomach. The taller teen reaches out and lays a comforting hand on Youngjae’s knee as he says, “Good luck! Hopefully you don’t take all our film too.” He sends Youngjae a friendly wink before they both erupt in laughter. The light atmosphere is ruined when they both hear a stern voice call out for Youngjae. 

“Get over here!” JB says as he glares at Junhong. “We’re starting again.” Youngjae quickly correlates JB’s irritated tone with the amount of re-filming they had to do and stands up immediately but he doesn’t forget to turn to Junhong and say his goodbyes. He crouches down so he was eye to eye with Junhong. 

“Yah.” He says in his Mokpo dialect. “Thanks for cheering me up.” He holds up a fist for Junhong. “I kind of really needed it.”

“Yeah…” Junhong makes contact with Youngjae’s fist with his own. “No problem.” They send each other a last small smile before Youngjae stands back up and walks over towards the rest of his group. He happily gets into his position with a lighter step and completely misses the hidden glares from JB. He misses the way JB’s jaw tightens when he sends Junhong a soft smile just before the music starts again. And how JB nearly misses the beat for his entrance. And how forced JB’s bright facial expression has become. Twenty minutes later and suddenly Youngjae and JB have completely switched. 

~ * ~

It’s at least forty minutes after their break that the director decides they were done for the day. They’re quickly dismissed and sent back to their waiting room to get dressed for their next scheduled activity. It’s a flurry of movements and no one can really remember how they got into the van, but they did and were now headed towards where ever they were supposed to be at. They are informed it’s going to be a fifty minute drive so they all decide to take a short nap. Youngjae is just about to fall asleep when he hears familiar voice.

“How do you know Junhong?”  JB quietly asks from the back window seat. 

Youngjae keeps his eyes closed as he answers. “Youngjae introduced us.”

“Are you two close?” This causes Youngjae to open his eyes.

“Why?” Youngjae questioningly glances at JB from under his eyelashes. His breath catches when he sees the expression on JB’s face. Clenched jaw and tight eyes causes Youngjae to rethink his answer. “No… We’re not close…”

“Well, didn’t look like that earlier.” JB mumbles under his breath. He quickly looks away. Looking at the younger only made him angrier. The image of Youngjae and Junhong smiling and talking so light and casually made his stomach twist and his chest heavy. He stares out of the window as he feels lasers drilling into the back of his head but he can’t get himself to turn around and face the younger. 

“Shouldn’t matter to you anyways.” Youngjae wittily answers. 

Nothing is exchanged between the two but the air in the small van is thick and Youngjae swears he’s being smothered. He’s almost jumping for joy when they pull up to the familiar building. Their driver turns into the back parking a lot and Youngjae is surprised when he sees the amount of fans that were already waiting for them. As they slowly drive through the large crowd of fans, Youngjae silently thanks the people that invented tinted windows.

“We need security in the back parking lot… Yeah we’re pulling up right now…” Youngjae hears their manger of the phone. “We’re gonna have to pull them out one by one… yeah… We’ll be in the back… alright… thanks.”

The phone conversation is followed by their manager waking everyone up and preparing them for the physical battle they were about to face. It’s only minutes, but sitting and waiting for the requested security felt like hours. They all look up from their activities when there is knocking on the window. They all look up to find the guards creating a circle around the door. Their manager directs them to individually step out and follow what they had just discussed. 

Yukyeom, being the closest to the door, gets out first and everything seems to have been following the plan. It’s only a few moments but everyone has been evacuated from the van except for JB and Youngjae. If they were in any other situation, Youngjae would’ve sworn it was coincidence, but in this moment Youngjae swears the higher powers are playing sick joke on him. Waking up today was hard enough without the constant reminding that JB existed. But the day was only getting worst and worst. Now they were both getting rushed into the building at the same time to save a little time. 

He is standing behind two guards, with JB standing directly him and two guards following after the elder. Everything seems to be going well. They were all making it through the groups of screaming fans when all of a sudden the two front guards stop and put out their hands defensively to stop whatever was in front of them. Youngjae realizes too late and runs into their strong backs and is soon followed by JB. Almost by reflex, JB reaches out and securely grabs onto Youngjae’s waist, pulling them closer together possessively. 

Youngjae’s hands shoot up and grabs JB’s by surprise and he attempts to rip the elder’s hands off of his body but the elder is having none of that. JB himself is surprised by his forwardness, especially because they are in public, but he keeps his hands on the younger. He knows he should keep his hands to himself, but the way Youngjae’s body felt in his hands was enough for him to let them linger and hold the younger a little more. Maybe it’s the fact that he hasn’t been able to hold the younger in such a long time. Or maybe it’s his habit of seeking physical contact when he’s in discomfort. It may even be because of the electricity that surges his body when he’s in contact with the younger that causes him to pull the younger closer. Whatever it was, it was enough for JB to hold on Youngjae even tighter when the younger tries to pry his hands off. 

Suddenly there’s a push from behind, and then the sides. Suddenly there’s loudly squeaky fangirling voices in his ears and hands grabbing at his body and JB’s being tossed and shoved in several different directions. He tries to keep his sight and movement going forward but there’s so much commotion. His mind his having trouble comprehending everything and anything. In one moment he’s staring at Youngjae’s back, and in the next his head is being shoved down to protect him from flying objects. One second Youngjae is in his arms, and the next he’s being pushed and shoved towards the building’s back entrance. It’s a split second but he loses sight of the younger and all he sees are blurred faces, flying limbs and bright neon fansigns. The next thing he knows, he’s being shoved through the small doorway and falling into his manager’s arms. 

“Are you okay?!” His manager asks as he searches JB for any marks of harm. 

“No… I’m fine.” JB sends the manager a reassuring smile. “I’m fine. Don’t worry.

“Where’s Youngjae?” 

JB’s blood runs cold when he realizes all of the guards are inside the door as well. 

_ Where’s Youngjae? _

~ * ~

One second the warmth is there, and the next it’s gone. Just when Youngjae realizes his body was welcoming the elder’s warmth more than it should, the warmth was ripped away. There’s screaming. There’s laughing. There’s crying. And then there’s him toppling around trying not to fall to the ground. He’s not sure what happened. The only thing he really remembers is a harsh shove from his side and the next he’s struggling to find his balance again. 

Youngjae’s heard a lot about getting lost in ‘ _ the sea _ ’. That’s what the idols called the large grouping of fans like this particular. It was literally  _ a sea _ . Youngjae’s heart picks up its pace when he suddenly remembers all of the terrifying tales of his sunbaes. 

_ Some kid tried to rip my hair out to sell online. _

_ Me too. They tried to rip some fabric of my shirt. _

_ I had bruises for a few days after a bunch of them kept grabbing me.  _

Suddenly he’s breathing hard and all he sees is a blur of a million faces. He feels hands grabbing for him and he tries to dodge each and every one of them. Some are handing him presents and some are reaching for his body. There’s squealing and then there’s crying. There’s admiring comments and then there’s questionable phrases. Youngjae tries his best to keep up a calm front, but when he feels hands sliding down towards his lower back he knows he’s had enough. He jerks around and in that moment he completely loses his sense of direction. 

Almost on the edge of a breakdown, his hands come up to cover his ears. Youngjae’s on the verge of tears because he literally has no idea what to do and where to go. There’s too much pushing and shoving. Too much screaming. He can’t think. And then suddenly he’s able to breathe. When he opens his eyes, he’s surprised to find himself in the middle of a circle. 

There is a group of fans, both boys and girls, connected by their arms in a shape of a circle protectively surrounding him. He sees them struggling to keep the shape together, but he also sees that their shifting slightly in a certain direction and when he finally realizes where they were headed, he releases a sigh of relief.

“Oppa!” One of them said loud enough for Youngjae to hear. “Don’t worry. We’ll take you to the door.” 

And in that instance, Youngjae decides he has never felt more thankful for his fans. He timidly follows their lead. Slowly but surely, and without anyone getting injured, Youngjae is led safely towards the back entrance of the building. Before knocking on the door, Youngjae turns around quickly and sends a sincere thanks to the group of fans that had helped him. 

It’s not even seconds after he’s finished with thanking the fans that he’s be dragged into the building by the arm. 

“Yah!” His manager all but screamed at him. “What the hell happened?” He yanks Youngjae’s shoulder so that the idol his completely facing him. “Why the hell did you get lost?” Youngjae sees the worry and fear written all over the elder’s face and suddenly feels guilty for something that wasn’t his fault. 

“Hy-hyung. I’m… sorry.” Is all Youngjae could sputter out. 

The elder heaves a sigh of relief and pats Youngjae’s head caringly. “I’m sorry. I was just worried. Are you okay? Did you get hurt?” He turns the younger around to check for any signs of injury. “Do you hurt anywhere?”

“Anniyo. Hyung. I’m okay.” Youngjae smiles softly. “The fans helped me out.” 

The stage director calls out from behind them somewhere and Youngjae’s manager takes the younger’s word for it. Youngjae knew himself best, and if he said he wasn’t hurt, he most likely wasn’t hurt. As their manager steps away from him the other members quickly crowd around. All, except one. 

“Alright. Alright. Alright.” Jackson quickly blocks the other’s advances. “Give him some space will you? He was just in a crowd. He doesn’t need another one.” And with that everyone disperses but keeps a watchful eye on Youngjae. 

“Come on.” Jackson wraps a strong arm around Youngjae’s shoulder. “Let’s get you some water to drink alright. I know you’re a little shaken up.”

Youngjae obediently follows Jackson’s lead, but he can’t help but wish someone else was holding him. He catches a glimpse of JB as they walk to the waiting room, but quickly looks away when he realizes the elder was already looking at him. And that’s how the day progresses between the two. Whenever Youngjae felt eyes on him, he would look towards the direction of the elder, and then timidly look away when he realizes he was right about having eyes on him. Not a word was exchanged for most of the day. Only JB’s lingering looks and Youngjae’s side glances. 

It’s just after lunch when they finally have an actual conversation. They ended their interview with one of the magazine representatives earlier than expected and were given the permission to buy lunch from the neighboring convenience store, under supervision from staff of course. The others are out and it’s only Youngjae sitting at one of the vanity tables when JB walks into the waiting room not expecting Youngjae to be there. They share a brief moment staring at each other in the mirror before JB turns around in an attempt to leave the room. But Youngjae was quick to get on his feet. 

“Hyung.” Youngjae calls out in a rushed tone. “Are… Are you okay?”

“What?” JB asked as he turns back around toward Youngjae.

“I didn’t get to talk to you after what happened earlier?” Youngjae stepped a little closer as JB takes a small step back. “Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine.” JB says defensively. 

“Are you sure?” Youngjae steps even closer. “You don’t have to say that just so we won’t worry-

“I said I’m fine!” JB doesn’t realize how loud his voice was, but he quickly regrets it when he sees Youngjae flinch. The younger’s surprised face soon melts into a face of irritation, frustration, and anger. 

“Fine. Whatever.” The younger mumbles as he turns back and takes a seat back in the chair. 

There’s another tense silence and JB realizes that that has become a habit between the two. Just silence. Frustratingly tense silence. 

“I’m sorry.” It was JB’s turn to step closer to the younger. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you still shaken up?”

“No.”

“Youngjae-ah…”

“What?”

JB’s brows furrow in frustration, but softens out when he sees the faint marks on the younger’s arms. Though Youngjae was wearing a long sleeved shirt, the sleeves were pushed up to his elbow and his forearm was on show for the elder to examine. Thin, long, pale pink marks were mixed with faint purple and blue blobs. JB’s fingers naturally reach out to trace the marks but flinches when Youngjae suddenly yanks his arms away as if his skin was just scorched with fire. 

“What?!” Youngjae’s voice is tense and laced with irritation. 

“Let me see.” 

“I’m fine.”

“I said let me see!” 

“Youngjae!” A new voice joins them from the door. They both turn to see Jackson holding a bag of goodies standing in the doorway. “Wanna eat some snacks with me… Outside?” Jackson eyes JB sharply. “Hyung. JR’s looking for you. Manager hyung needs to talk to you two about something.”

And just like that, the two are separated again.

Other than the mumbled ‘ _ I’m sorry _ ’ from JB as they climbed into the van to return home, and the half-hearted ‘ _ Yeah… Me too _ ’ Youngjae responded with, nothing else was exchanged between the two. 

~ * ~

It’s an hour after they’ve finally been able to just settle down in their dorm and relax and unwind from the long and packed day when JB decides he needs to do laundry. While most of the members are piled on top of each other in the living watching some random variety show, JB stumbles his way down the hallway and toward the laundry room. But right before he is able to step into the laundry room, the bathroom door suddenly opens and he’s swept off his feet by the familiar scent attacking his nose. 

It’s a mix of sweet and masculine and it belonged to only one person. 

“Are… you done with the sh-shower?” 

“Yeah.” Youngjae answers shallowly before walking away, unaware of how much his scent alone had an effect on the elder. 

JB stumbles over his own feet into the laundry room and gently pushes the door closed. He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to erase the lingering scent of the younger. But images are now playing on the insides of his eyelids. He can’t even control his own mind as images of the younger dance along his vision. 

“What the fuck…” JB curses under his breath as he pushes his palm over crotch. 

JB almost thinks it’s a sin to feel this hot and bothered because of one single moment, but he blames it on the reason that he has been ‘ _ relieved _ ’… or at least ‘ _ properly relieved _ ’ in two weeks. Sure there was that one moment with JR this morning, but somehow it was satisfying enough. He needed more. And as the images become more and more vivid across his imagination, he nearly pushes his hands into his pant to relief himself. That is until he hears what he thinks is the best thing he’s heard all day.

There’s a muffled ‘ _ Let’s go get something to eat! _ ’ from the living room and then a bunch of shuffling. JB thanks whatever was watching over him and quickly throws some laundry into the washer before pressing the correcting settings and rushing out of there. The others are in the middle of debating whether Youngjae was asleep or not when JB decides to jump in.

“No, you guys go ahead.” JB answers quickly. “Youngjae’s probably asleep. He’s had a pretty rough day.” He runs a hand through his hair as he instructs what the others should buy. “I’ll stay back to keep an eye on Youngjae.”

They all agree, except for Jackson but he goes along with it anyways, not wanting to make a big deal out it. The second they are all out of the dorm and the door is locked, JB makes his way to him and Youngjae’s shared bedroom. The last two weeks he had spent the nights crashing on JR’s full bed and coming back into his own bedroom felt… surprisingly more comforting than he thought it would. His clothes were still hung up nicely. His drawers were nicely pushed in although he knew the clothes inside were probably just shoved in there hastily. And he doesn’t remember his shoe rack ever being this neatly organized. But admiring his now organized room wasn’t the reason why he decided to come back into the room. 

“Hyu-

Before Youngjae could even acknowledge the fact that JB was in the same room as him, JB’s lips were pushed up against his and his breath was taken away in that spilt second. As if it was second nature, Youngjae’s hand are gripping on the fabric on JB’s chest; neither pushing him away nor pulling him closer. One of JB’s hand is cupping Youngjae’s face while the other is around his waist possessively pulling him closer. JB’s not sure what has come over him, but he just needed the younger’s touch right now. He doesn’t care that he’s being selfish, or that the other is now slightly pushing him away. He just needed Youngjae and that thought itself was enough to push JB to the edge of sanity. Maybe it was their argument this morning, or maybe the way the staff was making advances towards Youngjae. Or maybe it was because of Junhong and his over-friendliness ways with Youngjae. JB didn’t know and frankly, he didn’t really care. 

Youngjae wasn’t the only one that was confused and frustrated about JB’s contradicting actions. JB himself was as well. Whenever he’s with the younger, all he thinks about is how things weren’t the same for him and JR. All JB seems to do is compare his relationship with Youngjae to his and JR’s relationship. He wishes he and JR could connect on a level like he and Youngjae could. He wished that when he was laying in JR’s arms, when he was touching JR, when he was simply talking to JR, he could feel the air around him light up in sparks. He wish he could feel the electricity in his veins surge just the way it did when he was around Youngjae. And that frustrated him because all he wanted to do was be with JR, but he was afraid to admit that he was more than addicted to Youngjae’s habit of igniting that flame in him. 

It’s not rocket science, and JB knows it. All he has to do is pour water on the flames Youngjae has set. But when they meet each other’s gazes, when they speak and especially when they touch, JB doesn’t seem to be able to stop the flames from growing. And while he can’t say that Youngjae is his, whenever he sees other hands on Youngjae, all he can think about is ripping their throats out because only his hands should be on the younger male. 

“Hy-hyung.” Youngjae gasped as he pushed against JB’s chest. “Hy-” Youngjae lets out an airy breath of pleasure when he feels JB’s tongue darting out of his lips to lick the soft spot on his neck. “Wa-Wait…” Youngjae tries to get a grip of himself. His hands are gripping onto JB’s shirt for dear life as he tries his hardest to focus on anything but the marks being made on his collarbone. “Hyu-hyung… Wait…” He feels a slightly harsher nip on his shoulder and that seemed to knock his mind back in place for a split moment. But that split moment was all he needed. Youngjae pulls all of his strength together and harshly shoves JB away, and to say that JB was surprised was an understatement. 

“St-stop!” Youngjae was breathing heavily, eyes already burning. “Just… sto-stop.”

There’s a moment of silence between them. Nothing said other than the quick breathing of the two. JB kept his eyes glued on Youngjae as the younger’s eyes were glued to the floor. His heart is in his ears and while his body is reacting so nicely to JB’s actions, his mind knows that this is a bad idea. Using the silence, the younger tries to collect whatever is left of his sanity and his ability to think straight. JB waits until Youngjae seemed to have calmed down his breathing before breaking the silence.

“I need you…” It’s whispered breathlessly.

And that’s all it takes. 

_ It’s not fair! It’s not fair at all!!! _ Youngjae thinks to himself.  _ None of this is fair! _ It’s not fair that JB knows everything that breaks him down and makes him vulnerable. It’s not fair that he’s the only one hurting. But as Youngjae’s eyes move from the floor to the man that breaks him down and builds him back up he knows that no matter how much he tries, he’ll always be vulnerable to this man. It didn’t matter how much shit he’s received, or how much he’s been cut open. In the end he knew JB was the only one he’ll ever want but never have. The only one to cut him so deep but nurse him back to health. 

“I need you… Youngjae-ah”

And as Youngjae watches as his tormentor walks closer and closer to him he lets himself fall into the never-ending cycle of torture. And as those tormenting soft thin lips gently met his again he let himself die a little more. Blood silently seeps from the wounds on his heart. The chains rattle as JB grips them tight around the younger’s beating organ again. And as he watches the layers of clothes shed off his small frame he lets JB take another piece of him. 

_ Take it. _ A single tear escapes.  _ Take it all. _

_ Take all of me.  _

“I hate you…” It’s whispered into the ears of the tormentor in between heavy breaths of pleasure. “I hate you… so much…” It becomes the mantra of the night, repeated over and over and over again. “I… hate you…” Through waves of ecstasy, it’s breathed onto the heated skin of the tormentor. “I hate you.”

Youngjae had never been a good liar. He has the habit of biting the inside of his right cheek when he lies. And looking into JB’s eyes as they both climaxed, Youngjae knew JB didn’t believe a word he said. JB knows him just as well as he knew JB. 

That night was the first night of many that Youngjae would spend in tears not because of physical pain, but because of the wounds engraved on his heart… On his soul. 

_ I love you. _


	5. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone knows JB and JR are a "thing". Its not hard to see that. But no one knows what happens when night falls and the door to JB and Youngjae's bedroom closes. No one knows that Youngjae's the one that takes all the stress away from JB... That he's the one that loves JB through all his flaws, the one that follows without any question...
> 
> No one knows.
> 
> And it seems as if JB wants it that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cross posting from my AFF~!

Free days are the best days in the world of idol life. Free days meant you could do almost anything in the world and the company would pay for it. Free days were Youngjae’s favorite because it meant he got a chance to visit home and maybe relax a bit. To Youngjae, free days were literally ‘ _ free days _ ’. He would temporarily be set free from the clutches of JB and he would be able to not give a care for how shitty his ‘idol life’ was. He was free on free days. 

“Honey… there’s no point in coming home.” His mother’s voice seemed rushed. Static interrupted them once in a while. “Uncle Yoon is in the hospital and your father’s in Jeju again for work, so I have to take care of everything at home, work, and the hospital. You won’t even be able to see me.”

“But…” Youngjae pouts silently. “What about hyung? Can’t I stay at noona’s house?”

“You’re hyung is studying for his grad school finals and you know your noona has a life and family of her own already. Don’t bother them if you don’t have to. Okay?” Youngjae could hear what sounded a nurse in the background. “Look. Youngjae-ah. Whenever your father is back and your hyung’s finals are over, we’ll stop by your dorms and we can all go out and eat together. Okay? I have to go now. The hospital won’t let us use phones in this area. I love you, dear.”

“I love you too, mum.” Youngjae says quietly before hanging up his phone. Youngjae heaves a sigh before quickly trying to think of something to do to busy himself throughout the day. He texts old friends, new friends, and distant acquaintances, anyone who was willing to take him away from this prison. The opening of a door catches Youngjae’s attention.

“You’re not going home?” JB asked, voice still husky and low from sleep. He’s surprised to see Youngjae still here. Usually he was the first to leave on free days since his home was so far away. 

Keeping his eyes on his phone and trying not to pay attention to JB’s naked torso, Youngjae answers tensely. “Umm… No.” He quickly pulls up his recent list of text messages and skims through familiar numbers. “Mum’s not free, so I’ll just stay here. Have a safe trip home.” Youngjae dismisses the conversation quickly before pressing the talk button on the contact he had pulled up. 

JB furrows his eyebrows at being dismissed so easily but doesn’t really mind because he just really needs a shower right now. He spares a second glance towards the younger male sitting on the couch in the living room before shutting the door. He groans at the soreness that wrecks his young body but the memory of why he is sore shakes him from the bones. One glance at the mirror and JB’s shuttering at his own reflection. The entirety of his back is marred with various trails of scratch marks. They’re pale but definitely noticeable if anyone actually took a second to look at it. But he somehow doesn’t mind it at all. 

It’s been about 3 weeks since making up after their argument and JB isn’t quite sure why, but that argument changed a lot of things in Youngjae. Though he was still responsive in bed, JB noticed that Youngjae was been a lot rougher than he’s ever been. And JB doesn’t know if he likes it or not. 

As he slowly continue to strips out of his clothes, JB hears Youngjae’s soft voice from the living room. He was taking another call.

“Yoo-hyung!” Youngjae greeted with a smile on his face. He sincerely missed talking to someone other than his members. 

“Ehhh. Choi.” The elder greeted just as brightly through the phone. “What’s up?”

“Nothing much.” Youngjae bit the dead skin on the sides of his fingernail. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing either. We’re just hanging out at the studio. Yongguk hyung is working on some music so we all just tagged along. Junhong and I are in the dance studio.”

“Hmm… Sounds fun.” Youngjae mindlessly answers.

“Wait! Isn’t today your rest day? I heard from Jongup, who heard it from Jackson. What are you doing at the dorms?”

“Mom and hyung is too busy for hang out with me. And Dad’s out of the country again.” Youngjae mumbles lowly.

“Hey! Come hangout with Junhong and I.” The elder offers quickly. “It’s only us two and honestly we’re boring each other out.” 

“Hmm… I guess it wouldn’t hurt to come out for a bit.” The gears in Youngjae’s head started up, trying to think of how to get to the other’s dance studio from where he was. “I’ll just wait for JB hyung to leave. I know he’ll probably throw a tantrum like always and I don’t want him to go home mad.” 

“Aww. You sweet little shit.” The other teased lovingly from the other end. “Well, just text me when you are on your way so I know when to expect you. See ya soon.” 

“Ne. See you.” 

After hanging up his phone, Youngjae decides he’ll take a short nap while waiting for JB to leave. He’s on his side for only a few minutes before the darkness and his exhaustion takes him over. He doesn’t really realize how tired he is. The last few days have been endless promoting and shuffling from event to event, from scheduled appearances to another. Aside from the short naps in the car and the 3 hour gap between their last schedule and the fan meeting yesterday, Youngjae and the group hasn’t been able to get any shut-eye. 

He’s not sure what woke him up, or how long he had been asleep but the next time he comes to JB is already gone and he was surrounded in pure silence. He quickly checks his phone. There’s a few text messages. Two from  _ Yoo-hyung. _ One from  _ Hyungie _ . One from  _ JB _ . 

He opens the older Youngjae first.  _ Are you still coming by? _ He scrolls down a little more.  _ Did you get kidnapped? _ He feels a soft tug at his lips at the slight concern in the elder’s tone from the messages. He quickly types back a reply.  _ I’m fine hyung. I just lost track of time. I’ll be there soon. _

He then opens up the one from his brother.  _ I’m sorry you can’t spend the day at home. I’ll make it up to you next time.  _ He feels a bit guilty for blaming his brother for his boring day.  _ It’s okay hyung. We’ll hang out next time. Study well for your exams. Good Luck! _

And then the one that he was  _ not _ looking forward to. JB’s message. _ I left. If you’re tired, go sleep in the room. You’re ruining the couch.  _ Youngjae’s face cringes in annoyance. 

“Asshole.” Youngjae doesn’t bother to reply to his message. Instead, he gets up from his position on the couch and changes into comfortable sweats and a loose white tee. He grabs his bag and an old sweater and his hat before rushing out of the door. 

As Youngjae steps his way around a small puddle in the street as he pulled the hood of his sweater up to keep the slight chill of the night out. It has been very stuffy the last few days and the new coolness to the air was refreshing. Youngjae has always liked the smell of fresh rain on concrete. Call weird, call him a freak but that smell was comforting to him. Like a shedding of the skin of snake. It feels like a new him and a new beginning. He didn’t have to worry about anything before that rain because it didn’t matter. What mattered was what happened after that rain; it was up to you to make it better. 

It must’ve rained while he was asleep because he didn’t remember hearing rain before his nap. But that was definitely alright with him because this rain temporarily washed away a part of him that he wished would wash away permanently. JB. JB was probably home and eating dinner with his parents right about now, and Youngjae silently rejoiced at the thought of finally being able to be free from his clutches for even a few hours. 

Youngjae half-mindedly wonders if he really loved JB or if he was getting it confused with the amount of lust and hatred he had in his system. 

But Youngjae knew the answer to that himself. He loved JB. There was no question about that. How did he know? Because every time he saw JB’s eyebrows furrow when the managers reprimanded him about a member’s attitude or actions, Youngjae wanted to runs his fingers through the elder’s hair and massage his head and tell him everything wasn’t his fault; that every one’s their individual self and that’s just how they are. Every time JB takes an extra few minutes after practice to stretch out his back because he had a new cramp Youngjae wanted to lay him down and massage it for him. Every new bruise or scratch Youngjae wanted to kiss it away. He wanted to wrap his arms around the elder and keep him safe. 

Yeah… Youngjae just knew he was in love. 

‘ _ It just really sucks he doesn’t see it. _ ’ Youngjae thinks bitterly as he swung the glass door open. Even though Youngjae thinks JB could be the best leader in the world, he could also be the most dense and stupidest person as well. Don’t forget cruel and cold at that. He could make Youngjae feel like the only person that could make the elder happy and then throw him away to the side like he was a piece of used paper. It could be the softest touches and then suddenly the harshest shoves and punches. It could be pleasurable love marks and then the most painful wounds. Youngjae thinks that if they were actually in a real relationship, this would be considered abuse of some sort. Emotional, mental, and physical abuse. 

But they weren’t even together. 

So it wasn’t… right?

“Boo!”

“What the fu-” 

Youngjae isn’t able to finish his reaction before he finds himself on the ground with a loud  _ thud _ . 

“Oh shit!” Junhong hurriedly crouches down next to Youngjae, not even bothering to stop his laughter. “Are you okay?” He asked through the snickers. He ignores the light punches from the other as he reaches out his helping hands “Alright, alright~! I’ll help you up.” His laughter dies down a few decibels. “Come on.” 

“You’re a jerk!” Youngjae mumbles lightheartedly as he stands up and wipes his hands off on the thighs of his pant. They walk side by side deeper into the building. Junhong is leading the way slightly but they’re walking side by side; arms occasionally brushing. Not that either of them noticed. 

“Eh Choi!” Youngjae greeted as the younger males entered the studio. He rushes to the younger Youngjae’s side and throws an arm over his shoulder. “Took you long enough to get here. Too bad I have to leave in a few minutes though.”

“Hyung!” The younger scoffs in disbelief. “I just got here. You can’t just leave!” 

“It wasn’t my fault you took forever to get here.” The older knocks his head onto the younger’s. “Plus Dae’s taking me out, so I have no choice but to say yes.” 

“I’ll still be here though.” Junhong adds on from the side. 

“See. You won’t be alone. And hey~… Junhong’s been-

The elder doesn’t get to finish his comment before Junhong grabs him and puts him in a headlock. Compared to Junhong’s tall stature, the elder’s short and petite build does him no justice in trying to break free from Junhong’s hold. 

“Okay… Okay! I get it! I won’t say it.” The elder pushes Junhong’s side causing the tall teenager to stumble away. “You’re messing up my hair! Dae’s going to kill you later. He told me to look at least decent tonight.” The older Youngjae quickly rushes to the mirror in an attempt to clean himself up. 

It only feels like a few moments later, but Youngjae quickly finds himself alone with Junhong in the big studio. The elder has finally rushed off to meet Daehyun, leaving the two teenagers to themselves. Youngjae’s sitting on the bench towards the back of the room while Junhong is dancing to some random song that had started playing from his iPad. 

It’s easy to say that Youngjae’s fascinated by the way Junhong’s moving. Sure, Youngjae’s been surrounded by dancers and performers for the majority of his life, but there was something about the way Junhong moves and his presence that made him… different. Compared to JR’s sharp, intricate, and well-structured moves Junhong was more relaxed and free-flowing. It felt, and looked, natural; somewhat like Yukyeom. But different too. Compared to Yukyeom, Junhong was more… fluid! That was what he was. He bends at places where you wouldn’t think anyone would – or could – bend. He was fluid, and smooth… and  _ oh god! The way his hips move! _

Youngjae doesn’t realizes he staring until he hears a low chuckle coming from across the room. 

“It’s rude to stare.” Junhong points out with his hands resting on his hips. 

Youngjae takes just a second to admire the way his hair is stuck onto his face by his sweat and how the pale redness is lining the other males’ neck and the sides of his face. Youngjae tries to calm his breathing. Junhong… Is very attractive, Youngjae decides in that moment. 

“Sorry.” Youngjae mutters out embarrassingly. “I just… I’ve always wanted to dance like that…” Youngjae scratches his head shyly. “I mean… like… Umm…” He lifts his head up as Junhong steps closer. “You… You’re…” He heaves a sigh. “You’re just really good.” 

There’s an amused smirk on the ends of Junhong’s lips. He sticks his hand out towards Youngjae. And when the other doesn’t take it, he shoves it a little closer. “Come here.”

“Wh-What?” Youngjae asked, surprised. 

“Come here.” Junhong grabs Youngjae’s hand and leads him to the front of the room, right in front of the mirrors. 

“What are you doing?” Youngjae asked as Junhong reaches for the remote controller to the stereo. “What are  _ we  _ doing?” Youngjae jumps a bit when the loud music blasts again. He realizes the song right away and stares at Junhong with wide-eyes. “No.” 

_ Boom. Clap. Boom. Boom. Clap. _ Junhong lip-syncs along to the song as his smirk grows wider. He reaches his hands out to Youngjae once again and like before Youngjae simply shakes his head and backs away. But Junhong wasn’t having any of that. He grabs Youngjae’s wrists once more and leads them back into the middle of the room, facing the mirror. 

Youngjae simply stands there as Junhong does his part of the choreography, not knowing what to do. Well, he does know what to do. He’s learned this choreography at least 3 times over. First time was because the other Youngjae wouldn’t shut up about it when BAP first released it. Second time was because there was a monthly examination conducted by Mr. JYP, himself. And then the third time was simply because he, Jackson, and Yukyeom was bored one day. So it wasn’t that he didn’t know. He knew what to do. He was just… shy? Was that the word?

But before Youngjae could put any thought into it, Junhong was done with his part and Daehyun’s part was approaching fast. And by reflex his body started moving along to the song. His movements were small and timid at first. Somewhat embarrassed that he actually knew the moves to the dance. Would Junhong call him obsessive or something? Fans did this all the time right? Learned the dances and performed them? But then again, they were fans… right? That’s what they do… right? 

“Woooo~~!!!” Junhong cheers from the sidelines; fists pumping into the air excitedly. “Choi. Young. Jae. Choi. Young. Jae!” 

And that seems to be what Youngjae needed to gain all of his confidence back. There was no one here other than him and Junhong. There was nothing to be embarrassed about. He was just dancing, messing around and having fun. And after everything that’s happened so far in the last week, he thinks he deserves just this little piece of freedom. So he puts in all his efforts into being happy, and being happy in this moment. Because this moment may be the only moment he has. 

~ * ~

“No. You have to roll it…” Junhong coaches from behind Youngjae. “Like… Like this…” And then he shows the other male for the hundredth time. 

“Junhong-ah~! I can’t do that…” Youngjae whines with a slump to his shoulders. “My hips. Don’t. Move. That. Way.” He emphasizes each phrase with a stiff pop to his hips; side to side, then forwards and backwards. It’s almost childishly adorable, Junhong notes. 

Junhong lets out a soft laugh before walking up closer behind Youngjae.

“That’s because you need to relax your hips. You’re way too tense.” Naturally his hands rests on Youngjae’s sides and massages them lightly. He doesn’t realize how Youngjae suddenly stiffens quickly before finally fully relaxing. “Just… breathe.” He says as he looks over Youngjae’s shoulder and meets his gaze in the mirror. “Alright?” 

Youngjae gives him a little nod before closing his eyes and trying the movement once more. He keeps half his mind on the way Junhong’s fingers slightly tightens around his sides, and how they’re slowly moving lower, toward his hips, but the rest is on the cue in the song that signals him to go. His eyes shoot open when he feels his hips being moved by something other than his mind. 

Junhong’s hands are rotating Youngjae’s hips. His own hips following along smoothly. 

His eyes are instantly caught on the way Junhong’s bottom lip is pulled in between his teeth. And then they travel up to Junhong’s eyes. They’re slightly hooded but following the movements of Youngjae’s hips nonetheless. But that didn’t seem to make Youngjae hesitate at all. Instead it spurred him on. It motivated him to exaggerate his movement even more. 

It’s only a fleeting moment, but it leaves them both a bit breathless. Their eyes catch onto each other’s in the mirror once again but nothing else is passed on between them. Not a single word. Instead, Junhong’s fingers seem to tighten even more around Youngjae’s hips as he steps in a little closer. Youngjae’s breath catches at the closeness. 

His head is started to spin. He’s almost positive that it’s the strong scent of Junhong’s cologne mixed in with his sweat that makes it so unique; that makes Youngjae’s mouth instantly dry. Youngjae doesn’t realize he’s leaning back into Junhong’s body until the taller teenager’s voice is huskily breathing into his ear.

“I’m not… making you uncomfortable… right?” Junhong asks as their bodies are still barely grinding along to the song. 

“N-No…” Youngjae mumbles shyly. His eyes stay glued to their reflection. Youngjae is young, but definitely not stupid. He knows when someone is making a move on him. Junhong was  _ definitely _ making a move on him. He should be pulling away. He knew he should be pulling away. He had so many things to consider. He had  _ someone  _ else to consider. But he couldn’t get himself to pull away. He didn’t want to pull away. 

“I know this might sound stupid…” Junhong laugh softly to himself, causing goosebumps to rise on Youngjae’s hot skin. “Especially because we haven’t known each other for long… But I think I really … li-”

The sudden ring of a phone brings their highs crumbling down. 

The moment is lost. 

Youngjae scrambles out of Junhong’s hold and stumbles to get his phone out of his sweater pocket. He scans over the caller ID and his lips pull into a tight frown. 

_ JB. _

He wonders for a second why JB could be calling him. Especially on a free-day like this when he was home with his family. He takes a short glance at Junhong who had his hands in his pant pockets, head hung on his shoulders and kicking his sneakers into the wooden floor. Youngjae considers not taking the phone call. He’s really enjoying Junhong’s company and he knows answering this phone call could bring it to an end. But his mind – and maybe his heart as well – is playing the devil’s advocate. 

_ What if it’s important? What if he’s hurt? What if he needs me? _

Youngjae knows he’s going to regret this.

“Hello?” Youngjae greets quietly as he turns away from Junhong. His eyes following the cracks in the walls instead. 

“Wh-where...” JB takes a deep breath before continuing. “Where are you?” His speak is a bit slurred and muffled. 

“I’m at the studio. What do you want? Why are you calling me?” Youngjae flinches at the coolness in his words. He knows JB’s taken aback by his words, but he stands his ground. 

“I’m home…” 

“I know. Everyone is.” 

“Not you…”

“I have my reasons.” Youngjae doesn’t see the point in this conversation anymore. “Look. I’m actually in the middle of something right now. Enjoy your free-day hyung. I’ll see you when you get back to the dorms.” 

Youngjae’s about to hang up, but JB’s voice stops him.

“Come home.” JB’s own voice has taken a dramatic turn. It’s tense and harsh and has Youngjae flinching slightly.

“I-I can’t come to your place.” Youngjae scoffs aloud.

“I’m at the dorm.”

“Wh-” Youngjae flinches when he feels a hand on his shoulder. He turns around to see Junhong’s worried face. 

“Is everything okay?” Junhong asks quietly. 

Youngjae isn’t sure but nods anyway. It’s enough for Junhong and the taller teenager walks away. 

“Youngjae…. Youngjae-ah…” JB calls through the phone. 

“What?” Youngjae is annoyed by this point. 

“Who was that?”

“That was…” the younger wonders if he should tell the truth. “Umm… That was…”

“Don’t even think about lying to me. Who was that?”

Youngjae’s brows furrow. JB was being a fuckin’ dick again.

“None of your fuckin’ business.” Youngjae hisses lowly. “I can hang out with who the hell I want. What the fuck do you want?” 

“Come home.” 

“I’ll come home when I want to come home.” 

“Please… Come…” JB’s voice is pleading. And it causes Youngjae’s knees to buckle the slightest. "Come home… please.”

~ * ~

Youngjae doesn’t even know if he should have the right to be pissed off anymore. After hanging up on JB he had quickly blew Junhong off and rushed home. The look of utter confusion on Junhong’s face was enough to twist Youngjae’s stomach into an uncomfortable knot. But he’s grown to have really thick skin. He simply apologizes and half-heartedly promises to hang out again next time. 

Youngjae finds himself slipping off his shoes in the entrance of their dorm only 20 minutes after leaving the studio; a trip that was usually at least half an hour. 

“I’m home.” Youngjae grunts as he slightly trips over the step. “Damn it!” He picks up his hat before standing up straight again. “Hello?” He calls out when he doesn’t get a response. It’s not voice that greets him but a crashing sound from the direction of the kitchen. 

“Hyung! Are you okay?” Youngjae rushes to the elder who was stumbling around the kitchen. He reaches out for JB’s arms, trying to stabilize the elder. But Youngjae is suddenly hit with a strong stench that makes his stomach retch. “Hy-hyung. Are you drunk?” But JB doesn’t answer. Instead he shoves Youngjae’s hands away before he grabs the sides of the younger’s face and pulls him closer.

Their lips are only a few breaths apart but for the first time in a long time they stare into each other’s eyes and nothing else. The stench his making Youngjae dizzy but it quickly fades away as he falls deeper and deeper into those dark chocolate eyes. Youngjae doesn’t know what’s happened to JB, doesn’t know what’s happening now, but the elder’s eyes seem to be pleading him of something. They’re rimmed in a pale red and Youngjae can barely make out the veins but their glazed over.

“You’re drunk.” Youngjae whispers quietly.

“And yet… All I can think about is you…” 

_ Young… Jae… Stop.  _ The younger squeezes his eyes shut forcing himself to block out everything. “Hyung… You’re drunk…” All of a sudden there’s hands on his hips, pressure on his chest and hot breaths on his lips. There’s a closeness that he’s always wanted, that he’s always longed for, but it seems so foreign that it makes him uncomfortable. 

“But you…” JB’s lips are gently brushing against Young Jae’s with each syllable. “You… You’re all that’s… on my… mind.” 

“Hyung.” Young Jae’s eyes are still screwed shut. He wants to deny what is happening. He doesn’t want to believe he’s let himself slip into this vicious cycle again. He wants to believe he’s getting better… he’s better than this. “Hyu…ung…”

Then there’s the familiar softness on his lips. It’s cloaked in layer of bitterness from the alcohol, but it’s still the same lips he’s tasted so many times before.

But suddenly he’s thinking of how Junhong’s lips would’ve tasted like. Would they have been soft liked they looked like or firm? How different would it have been from JB’s? And would Junhong have been okay with that difference? Would Junhong hold his waist? His head? His hips? How would they move? In sync? Or in completely different tempos? Youngjae wonders a lot about how things would’ve been different if it was Junhong he was kissing and not JB. If only. 


	6. 4.5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone knows JB and JR are a "thing". Its not hard to see that. But no one knows what happens when night falls and the door to JB and Youngjae's bedroom closes. No one knows that Youngjae's the one that takes all the stress away from JB... That he's the one that loves JB through all his flaws, the one that follows without any question...
> 
> No one knows.
> 
> And it seems as if JB wants it that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cross posting from my AFF~!

He hates when his parents fight. He hates it the most when he was the reason why they fought. It started when he had first brought up the fact that he wanted to pursue the life of a singer. He sat his parents down, poured them each a cup of warm tea he had brewed not more than an hour prior, and took his seat across from them at the dinner table. He figured it didn’t matter if they approved or not, he just wanted them to know.

He hates the tension after they fight. It’s heavy. And the silence is deafening. The hidden glares, the tense body language, everything is unbearably uncomfortable. 

That’s the reason JB finds himself calling their manager for a ride back to the dorm. 

And why he was drunk to the point that he couldn’t even get himself in the car. 

He didn’t expect his parents to have taken the news so bad. Maybe he should have just kept it to himself. If he kept it to himself, maybe, just maybe their family would have been together tonight like every other night that the group got a free day. Then again, he’s never had good timing. 

“I’m already with someone, mom.”

“Oh really?! Who is it? Is she nice? Pretty? Tell me!”

“I’m not… with… a girl…”

And that was all he got out before his father threw his father’s dinner in his face. It’s fast and it’s shocking, but he’s nothing short of what he expects. In all actuality, he was expecting more. He was pretty sure that once those words leave his mouth, he would walk away with either a few bruises or even being disowned. But dinner in his face and a few harsh words is all he gets before his father’s out of his face and storming up the stairs. 

What surprises him, even more than his father’s lack of reaction, is his mother’s words.

“It’s okay. It’s just a phase.” It’s whispered in his ear, with a soft pat to his shoulder before his mother is following his father’s steps up to their bedroom. 

_ It’s not a phase _ . His mind is running a mile a minutes.  _ It will never just go away _ . He’s out of the house with his bags without saying goodbye to his parents. A first for him. He knows his parents probably don’t want to deal with him right now. He doesn’t want to deal with them either. He figures if he gives them enough time to just absorb the information in, everything will be fine. Hopefully. 

_ Hopefully _ .

JB feels like puking his stomach out, as he stumbles into the living room of their dorm. No matter how much he wants to not care about what his parents think, there’s that little part of him that’s disappointed in them, but the bigger part that is killing him is that he couldn’t give his parents what they wanted. First, their dream of him becoming a doctor was thrown out of the window when he decided to become a singer. And now, their dream of having a nice daughter-in-law and a big family was also thrown out the door. He wasn’t ashamed of himself, but he was disappointed that he wasn’t able to give anything else other than his love to his parents. 

But when he thinks about the person he’s with, he doesn’t have a regret in the world. When he’s with that person, he’s happy. He feels like he belongs and he doesn’t have to think about what other’s think. He’s natural and not what society and fans want of him. He’s just himself and nothing else. 

But that person isn’t who he ends up calling. 

Automatically, he’s calling the one person he knows he shouldn’t call. The one person that adds more confusion and frustration in his life. He ends up calling the person who makes him question his every decision and action. He ends up calling the person who makes him feel like he’s always taking a risk. It’s something new and he doesn’t know what will come of it. He ends up calling the person that he knew he should stay away from but can’t. 

“Hello?” He hears the hesitation in Young Jae’s voice. 

“Wh-where… Where are you?” The alcohol is slurring his words more than he can handle. 

“I’m at the studio.” The muffling effect of his alcohol poisoned reflexes blocks out a lot of what Young Jae is saying, but he hears enough. “What do you want?”

“I’m… home…” JB doesn’t know why but he suddenly wants Youngjae to be home also. He wants to be near Youngjae. The younger always knew what to do to make things better. He wants to forget. And before he knows it he’s begging the younger for something he wants again.

“Please… Come…” JB lets out a heavy sigh as he rubs his forehead, hold back the shakiness in his voice. “Come home… please.”

There’s a long silence that answers his plea and then he hears shuffling and mumbled conversation. There’s some more shuffling and then Youngjae’s voice is on the line again. 

“On my way.” 

Its three words. Three simple words but it’s got JB’s breath knocked out of him. It’s got his mind swarming even more than it already was. If his life was a cartoon, little stars would be orbiting his head right now. Youngjae always did this to him. Youngjae caused the tips of his toes to tingle. He caused the numbness in his mind and the warm rumbling seeping from the bottom of stomach. 

Even in his most un-sober moments, in his most unconscious moments, JB doesn’t crave the person that has been there since the beginning, he yearns for the one person he’s known for barely a year. He wants those pale pink lips that always tasted like mint to take away his swirling thoughts; like it always does. He feels a wave of guilt when he realizes he’s basically betraying the one person that has kept his sanity together since the start of his career; the one person who has always had his back and had never pushed him away. 

But the wave crests and there’s another wave that follows shortly after. 

It’s followed by a sudden surging feeling of completeness when he thinks of the younger male that shares his bedroom. He thinks it’s almost wrong to feel this  _ right _ having Youngjae by his side. But then another wave of self-loathing seeps through his system. It feels right to have the younger by his side all the time, but it’s wrong to keep him at only arms-length and never closer. 

Even when the younger threatens to take that step closer, JB pushes away. And he knows it’s wrong. He knows by the twisting in his stomach each time he watches the torn expression on Youngjae’s face. He feels it in his bones each morning he wakes up with the younger’s arm draped around his naked mid-section and he has to literally peel the younger off of him. He feels it in his chest each time he sees Youngjae hold a conversation with someone other than their members. 

He wants to stop. It’s a cycle, he knows. One day, his mind is made up and he does his best to right his wrongs. He distances himself and leans on JR because that’s the only way he can force himself not to look at Youngjae. To tempt himself. But another day, the yearning to be in Youngjae’s orbit is too strong and he gets sucked in again. He doesn’t want the cozy warmth that JR provides, he wants to feel the blazing surge of electrons that Youngjae’s bare fingertips delivers each time they touch. But sooner or later, he’s eaten up by that razor-tooth creature called his guilty conscience and he’s running away again just to come crawling right back. 

He wants to be loyal to what has always been and what should always be.

But when what _ could be _ comes strutting down the hallway, it’s hard to keep his hands off.

“Hello?” And there it is. That smooth voice that pushes JB’s sanity and reasoning skills right over the edge. 

Suddenly, he becomes fully aware of what he’s done. He’s dragged Youngjae into his never ending cycle with him, yet again. And it feels like a fist to the guts with an overwhelming surge of shame. It was one thing to jump off your wagon, but to drag someone along with you was something that should never happen. 

With a sick feeling in his throat at himself, JB turns away in an attempt to escape but his body is poisoned by at least 5 different types of alcoholic drinks. Blurred vision and a wavering stance causes JB to step on his own feet stupidly. He tumbles into the counter top, luckily catching the edge of the white marble material at the last second to straighten himself out. 

“Hyung! Are you okay?”

JB’s blurry vision offers up a sight of Youngjae’s facial expression contorting into frustration.

“Hy-hyung? Are you drunk?”

There’s a hint of disappointment lacing the younger’s voice and it hits a nerve in JB’s heart. He doesn’t want to disappointment Youngjae. He wants the younger to be proud of him. He wants the younger to confidently acknowledge their relationship… No, that wasn’t what they were. Wait. What were they? Okay. Maybe they did have a relationship, but not a relationship like that. Just a relationship, like between friends. Friends? JB’s thoughts are a whirlwind. 

But there’s a slight draft in the room and he catches the hint of Youngjae’s citrusy shampoo mixed in with his summery cologne. And his thoughts are now a puddle of nothingness.

He’s not exactly sure what they were, what they were going to be but at this very moment he just wants Youngjae. Fuck the loyalty that he promised JR. He and JR had ended what they had long ago. Youngjae is here. Youngjae is real. Youngjae is now. Youngjae is…

_ Mine _ .

“You’re drunk…” Youngjae’s hushed voice is whispered on JB’s lips.

“And yet… All I can think about is you…” 

JB wants to be closer. Needs to be closer. He wants all of this moment and not just a blotchy memory. He wants to feel it in his soul even after tonight. And the alcohol substitutes as his confidence. And with one smooth swipe, Youngjae is in his embrace again. 

“You’re… all that’s… on my mind…”

He can’t wait; doesn’t want to wait any longer. He’s deprived enough. 

In his drunken state, he’s surprised he got Youngjae’s lips in one try. They’re just as he remembers them to be. Soft. Sweet. And like the inside of a rose. But he doesn’t miss the hesitance rumbling through the younger’s body. 

Youngjae has never hesitated before.

JB pulls away for a moment, unsure if his mind was playing tricks on him, only to surge in again this time making sure Youngjae doesn’t hesitate. Maybe it’s the alcohol, maybe it’s the excited electrons in his bloodstreams, maybe the stars are aligned just right but JB doesn’t wait a second to push Youngjae into the corner of the countertop and deepen the kiss. He wants to taste the deeper parts of the younger’s mouth. He wants to engrave the feeling of younger’s mouth into his memory. He wants to remember the feeling of the younger’s heat when he wakes up sober tomorrow. He wants to know it happened. 

And by the way that low sound escapes Youngjae’s throat so effortlessly, JB knows Youngjae wants him to remember also. The way the younger’s fingers card through his hair as he pushes in deeper, as he invades more into Youngjae’s existence, he knows the younger doesn’t want this to be just a moment, but rather a memory. And as JB lifts Youngjae onto the counter, as he stands between the younger’s thick thighs, and as the younger leans down to deepen their kiss even more, JB suddenly is very aware. 

He’s aware of how much he wants Youngjae. Aware of how much Youngjae wants him. Aware of how many times they’ve been in this situation or similar. How many times he’s watched the younger wake up and wished the night before never happened. How many times he wished he hadn’t slipped out of bed early. How many times he should’ve just laid in bed and studied Youngjae’s sleeping face until the younger had woken up. He’s aware of how long his heart has been denied. He’s aware of every single crack he’s carved into Youngjae’s heart. And suddenly, he’s very aware of his very own feelings. 

And suddenly, he’s very aware of how scared he was of this new discovery.


	7. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone knows JB and JR are a "thing". Its not hard to see that. But no one knows what happens when night falls and the door to JB and Youngjae's bedroom closes. No one knows that Youngjae's the one that takes all the stress away from JB... That he's the one that loves JB through all his flaws, the one that follows without any question...
> 
> No one knows.
> 
> And it seems as if JB wants it that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cross posting from my AFF~!

Junhong usually doesn’t go to the gym with Jongup. Instead, he usually sits at home listening to the newest hiphop tracks that Yongguk’s produced or scribbling down lyrics to some nice beat he found online just to practice. Working out has never really been his ‘thing’ like it was Jongup’s. But somehow Jongup had talked both Youngjae and him into joining him for his evening workout tonight. Junhong’s sitting down and resting from his jog while Youngjae and Jongup finish their benchwork when the call comes in on Youngjae’s phone. 

“He-

“Hy-hyung.” Junhong recognizes the voice right away. 

“Young-

“It hurts so much…” Youngjae sniffs from the other side of the phone. His voice is husky and rough. “Why do I do this to myself? Hyung…” Junhong hears a muffled sob. “I hate him. I ha-hate him so much!” Then suddenly everything is quiet aside from the muffled sniffles and soft cries. 

“Where are you?” Junhong finally finds his courage.

He can almost feel the surprise that seeps through the phone. 

“Ju-Junhong?” Youngjae’s voice doesn’t hide his shock. “What-What are you- Where’s Youngjae-hyung?”

“Where are you?” Junhong asked again as he stands up and grabs his gym bag receiving questioning looks from both Youngjae and Jongup. He quickly grabs out his phone and types in a message before handing it to Youngjae.

_ Hyung. Emergency. I’m taking your phone. I’ll be back home later. _

He doesn’t look back as he rushes out of the gym. 

~ * ~

_ There’s a slight moment of hesitance; a moment of resistance. But as always, Youngjae gives in completely. It’s as if he doesn’t have a backbone on his own when JB’s in the same vicinity as him. He let’s JB steal everything away from him. No. JB didn’t have to steal anything, Youngjae willingly gave it up. He served himself right up to JB on a silver platter.  _

_ It’s a slick flick of the tongue between the younger’s mouth and JB has Youngjae wide open and waiting for him to play with. The lingering taste of alcohol makes Youngjae want to gag but JB works him open nice and slow, then fast and passionate.  _

_ It’s a flurry of movements and a couple low moans later that they decide that the kitchen countertop is perfectly fine for whatever was going to transpire. Lips still attached and bodies aching for bare contact, JB reaches down to Youngjae’s luscious thighs and lifts him up quite easily, setting him down on the countertop. Sitting on the edge and knees spread perfectly to fit the elder, Youngjae desperately grabs the elder’s collar to drag him in closer; lips mashing together almost painfully.  _

_ Unable to resist the temptation of Youngjae, JB places his hands on the cold countertop and leans over Youngjae just a bit; giving himself the perfect angle to grind himself down against the younger’s growing erection. He’s gifted with Youngjae throwing his head back in pleasure, a breathy moan escaping just the slightest bit. JB has an all access pass to the younger’s neck now and doesn’t waste any moment in connect his mouth to the soft untainted skin.  _

_ He licks. He sucks. And occasionally bites the tender skin, pulling even more wanton sounds out of the younger. He’s pretty sure he’s addicted to the sound. And soon enough his skilled attacks on the pale skin causes a reaction from the younger. Leaning on one elbow for balance, and one arm around the elder to pull him closer, Youngjae grinds up into the elder, following the elder’s movements in perfect synchronization.  _

_ “Hy-hyung…” Youngjae moans into the heated atmosphere. “Closer… I need you… closer.”  _

_ “I’m right here.” JB breathes out heavily as he traces the younger’s arms down to his hands. He takes the small hands into his own and leads them teasingly down his own heaving chest and then down even lower. “I’m… I’m right here.” There’s a slight twinge to JB’s voice and it ignites the small flame of hope in the younger’s heart. And once again, he thinks he’s finally done it. He has finally broken down the wall between them. He has finally allowed to take that first step forward toward JB.  _

_ He pauses his actions causing JB to stop as well. And when Youngjae opens his eyes again, he’s met with JB’s soft eyes boring straight into his soul. He wonders if he was really in his own body, and if JB was really looking at him with such a soft look. He’s not use to the way JB’s acting towards him right now. He’s use to the harsh words, the shoves, the rough handling, anything but the gentleness that he was given now.  _

_ It hits him right in the chest and guts. Youngjae doesn’t know if it’s the kissing that has him breathless or if it’s the way JB’s looking at him or if it’s the way JB’s finger is gently tracing the outlines of his face. First tracing down the side of his face and then down the bridge of his nose, Youngjae sighs contently at the wiping touch.  _

_ It’s so soft that it hurts.  _

_ For a split second, he wonders if this is what JR gets when they are alone. If this was the side of JB that JR had and could see. He wonders what it would be like if he was showered with this everyday. And he realizes that it would kill him even more than how JB was killing him now. If the harsh words and roughness was already enough to drive over to the edge, he was pretty sure if he gets to see JB like this at every moment possible, then it’ll drive him over the edge.  _

_ “Don’t look at me like that.” Youngjae whispers breathily.  _

_ “Like what?”  _

_ “Like you actually love me.”  _

_ Youngjae wonders if JB even has time to comprehend what he had just said before they were interrupted.  _

_ “I’m home!!!” A familiar voice calls from the front door.  _

_ Youngjae watches as JB’s face falls with the million pieces of Youngjae’s heart. This has happened so many times before but Youngjae is still surprised when JB slowly backs away from him, as if in disbelief of what he has just done. As if he had committed a sin, JB backs away from the evidence that he’s trying to bury.  _

_ Youngjae wonders if he will be able to just disappear if he stays quiet and stays in one place for long enough. He wonders if he’ll be able to just melt into the cracks on the floor and disappear forever. He knew this was going to happen. The familiar hollowness is creeping it’s way back into Youngjae’s chest as the warmth of JB’s body start to dissipate. It’s a last cry for any type of affection when he reaches out and grabs JB’s wrist. He surprises himself when he doesn’t flinch at JB’s sharp stare. Almost as if demanding him to keep his hands off.  _

_ Compared to his training days, and even the days leading up to him getting in JYP, Youngjae would name this moment the hardest moment in his entire life. He has to bite his tongue and hold his breath, afraid he’ll say something he’ll regret. He has to watch as JB peels his fingers off of the elder’s wrist. He doesn’t make a sound as JB turns away and stalks towards the front door where JR is coming in. He stays seated where he’s at and listens to the soft voices coming from the living room. JR’s lecturing JB about drinking too much again. JB’s refuting it by saying that he’s not drunk. They’re giggling about something. They’re fumbling into the leather couch. There’s clothes rustling against each other.  _

_ Youngjae doesn’t want to hear anymore of it so he jumps down from where he’s sitting. He accidentally swipes a pile of mail off the countertop. He hears the movement in the other room stop.  _

_ “Is someone home?” It’s JR.  _

_ “Youngjae’s home.” _

_ “Why didn’t you say anything?!”  _

_ “It wasn’t important?” _

_ “He could’ve seen everything.” _

_ “So?” _

_ “What do you mean so- _

_ Youngjae walks past them without a single look.  _

_ “I’m headed out.” _

_ He can vaguely make out JR’s voice asking if something had happened at home, and why he looked so pissed off. He doesn’t get to hear JB’s lie.  _

~ * ~

Youngjae knows he messed up. He shouldn’t have told him where he was. He shouldn’t even have called in the first place. It was stupid of him. He should’ve just manned the fuck up and dealt with it. Why couldn’t he just handle things like normal people and figured it out himself? 

And as Youngjae sat on the cold hard stairs a few blocks away from their dorms, he wonders if this has changed his impression he had had on Junhong. Has Junhong finally realized how immature and needy he was? Was this the end of a possibly great friendship? And as the cool summer night breeze hits him right in the face, Youngjae holds back another sob. Youngjae realizes his life was no longer his own. It now belonged to JB. Maybe it has all along and he was just in denial the entire time. Even when JB didn’t know it, he was making sure Youngjae had no escape from JB’s orbit. Youngjae buries his face in his arms in an attempt to stop himself from having another panic attack. 

“You’re gonna catch a cold.” The voice calls out from no where causing Youngjae to snap his head up. 

“Jun…hong…?”

“Who did you expect?” Junhong asked teasingly but regrets it as soon as he sees Youngjae’s fallen face. The visible wet trails on his cheeks are the only evidence Junhong has to prove that Youngjae was just crying again. 

For a slight moment, Youngjae wonders if Junhong is actually here or if it was just a hallucination. He has a massive headache and he’s pretty sure that those stars that are flying around him are from rubbing his eyes too hard. The only sign of confirmation that Junhong was not a figment of his imagination was the warmth that immediate embraces him when Junhong stretches his arms around his head and pulls him into him. It’s a bit awkward, considering Junhong’s height, but it’s also surprisingly comfortable. Without knowing it, Youngjae loses the last of his self control as soon as Junhong’s embrace is fully surrounding him. 

“I’m so stupid.” Youngjae mumbles into Junhong’s clothes as his body shook with his sobs. “Why do I always let him do this to me?” Youngjae clenches his fists into Junhong’s thin white tee. “I-I… I’m-

Junhong hushes Youngjae softly as another round of violent sobs and vibrations shook through the elder. For a quick moment, Junhong’s reminded of a similar situation he was in not too long ago. He remembers the cool night and cries in the night. He remembers being in someone else’s arms and letting his heart out. He remembers the unrequited love that cannot and will not ever be returned. He remembers being in Youngjae’s position and feeling stupid for being in love with someone you could not have. Junhong’s reminded of himself and a feeling of sympathy floods through him, slightly watering his eyes. he pulls in the other closer with a firmer grip. 

“You are not stupid.” Junhong says after finally getting firm control of his voice. The memories of his previous unrequited love still pulls his heartstrings, and Youngjae’s broken cries are only intensifying the feelings. “You love and that’s all you can do. You aren’t capable of doing anything else, but that doesn’t make you stupid. It just makes you human.” Junhong feels Youngjae bury his face deeper into Junhong’s now drenched tee shirt. Reflexively, Junhong cards his fingers through Youngjae’s hair in an attempt to console the elder. 

And Youngjae finds comfort in the younger’s hold. Youngjae doesn’t question it when the younger crouches down and circles his arm around his waist and shoulders, his other hand  almost by reflex carding through his hair again, rubbing away the headache that had intensified too quickly. And for a split second he wished it was Junhong that he was so madly in love with. In the short amount of time that he had known Junhong, the younger had learned more about him than JB had ever known about him in the past few years that they had lived (and slept) together. How much better would it be if it was Junhong, and not JB, that he was crazy about? Gosh, how much he wanted to be in love with Junhong instead of JB. And with that thought Youngjae holds Junhong closer and tighter. Maybe if he holds him enough then it’ll become true. Maybe Junhong will be able to save him from the pain. Maybe. Just maybe. 

~ * ~

“Yongguk.”

Youngjae looks up at Junhong from his position. “Like… Leader Yongguk?”

Junhong smiles an innocent smile; a shy hint of hurt still visible. He nods. 

“Wo-Wow.” Youngjae places his head back down where it was. “Yong… Guk… ” Youngjae sure had a strong component if he was serious in wishing he was with Junhong instead of JB. 

“Uh huh.” 

A comfortable silence passes through them. Youngjae keeps his head on Junhong’s lap as the younger softly plays with his hair. It’s comforting and somehow very relaxing. There’s a refreshing atmosphere in this moment; like a big storm had just passed and they were simply lying in the fresh grass and enjoying the sun shine. 

“Were there moments when you wished you were Himchan?” Youngjae asks breaking the silence.

“Every single moment I saw them together. Every single one.” Junhong confirms confidently. 

Youngjae answers with a long, deep sigh. 

Another silence is shared between them before Youngjae’s soft whispers disturbs the silence again. “I don’t wish to be Jinyoung.” Junhong hears the sincerity in the elder’s voice. Youngjae tries to hold the tears that are trying to escape again. “As much as I want to be able to make JB happy, to be his happiness, I don’t want my boyfr… my… partner?… to be lying to me and keeping secrets… sleeping around with other people…” The last part is mumbled quietly into the thickness of Junhong’s thigh. 

“So they aren’t together?”

Youngjae shrugs, nudging Junhong in the thigh. “I didn’t think they were.” Youngjae sighs heavily as he shifts into a more comfortable position. Now lying flat on his back with his head still on Junhong’s lap, Youngjae covers his eyes with his arm and continues. “But I don’t know anymore.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Well, for one, they’ve been spending a lot of time alone… together. And there are marks. A lot of marks.” 

Junhong notices Youngjae clench his fist as he clears his throat to continue speaking.

“And two, I don’t think they were actually really  _ over _ over…”

“So they were together before?”

“Yeah. It started way before our team even got together. They knew each other since their training years and things between them became official after their JJ Projects promotions.” Youngjae sighs heavily before he continues. “But GOT7 was put together and that’s when they fell apart a bit. I guess it was the stress. I don’t know. But when they added me into the group… and…” Youngjae’s voice trembles as a small quiver spreads through him and into Junhong. “I guess that’s when things between them became even more complicated.” 

“Complicated?”

Junhong removes Youngjae’s arm from his forehead when Junhong doesn’t get an answer. Youngjae reacts by opening his eyes, immediately meeting Junhong’s eyes. 

“Complicated?” Junhong rises an eyebrow. 

“Sleeping… arrangements got switched around.” Youngjae sits up with a small grunt. 

Junhong nods along. 

“JB and I’s training sessions were all rearranged to match up so that he could help me settle in a little more comfortably.” Youngjae bites the inside of his cheeks. He always does that when he’s uncomfortable. His history with JB is uncomfortable. 

“A little too comfortable…” Junhong mumbles under his breath. He’s reprimanded with a slight nudge to the shoulder. 

“I know.” Youngjae teasingly glares at Junhong. 

Youngjae is quickly intrigued at how much he’s grown comfortable around Junhong. He’s able to talk about everything and anything with Junhong. They’ve known each other for only a few weeks and it feels like they’ve known each other for a few years. Whether physical or emotional, Junhong somehow connects with him on every level. And he feels a warm feeling in his chest; and his stomach. It’s almost as if he’s thawing out after a long, frozen winter. 

“I’m glad you’re comfortable with me.” Junhong smiles from ear to ear. “But you wanna get more comfortable?”

He’s rewarded with a heavy punch to the arm. Junhong groans in pain. He’ll take that as a no. 

~ * ~ 

“I’m sorry. About everything.” Youngjae stands nearly a head shorter than Junhong; even when Junhong was standing in the street and Youngjae was standing on the curb. “I really hope you don’t get in trouble.”

“Are you kidding?” Junhong shoves his hands into his jean pockets and rocks back and forth as he continues. “Yongguk would be a hypocrite if he thought about punishing me for staying out late to help a friend. He’s always going on about how to be a good person and friend. How we should always help if possible. How--”

“Okay. I get it.”

Junhong chuckles as he buries his blushing face into his chest. He’s doing a lot of that lately.

“Thanks, again. For everything.” Youngjae says after a long pause. “I don’t know what I would’ve done… you know… if you didn’t show up…”

“Let’s not think about that.” Junhong steps a little closer. “Let’s think about all the good things that came out of this.” He leans into Youngjae; just barely inches away from his face. Junhong can still smell the lingering alcohol on Youngjae’s breath. Something twists in his stomach and he instantly wants to erase that scent from the elder’s mouth. 

He knows he’s staring. He knows he should look away. But he’s drawn in like a bee to a newly blossomed flower. He’s set his eyes on it and he can’t seem to take it off. He feels the soft hitch of a breath that wasn’t his when he inches closer. The gentle puffs of warmth from the elder’s breath sweeping across his face. He likes the feeling of being this close to Youngjae. 

The moment is severed by the sound of a van pulling up behind Junhong. 

It’s whispered between them, but burned into their memories.

“There’s a lot of good things in this situation, Youngjae. You just have to find it.”

And he’s gone with the wind; only leaving a crooked smirk to remind Youngjae of the good things that are out there. 

~ * ~

JB’s staring out the window, looking at the two figures standing out of the steps behind the dorm. There’s a sour taste rising from his stomach and he has a certain itch in his hands. His eyes sharpen to an almond shape and he feels the warmth crawling up the back of his neck. And then one of the figure leans in toward the other and he loses himself in the blinding red that paints over his vision. His fists tighten and then loosens, just to tighten, again. He feels the sore tightness in his shoulder already. He knows he needs to stop. He just can’t. 

JR swears he’s never seen JB this angry before. He’s not sure why but ever since he came home earlier, he’s felt a tension in the air that he couldn’t decipher. He wonders if JB and Youngjae had gotten into an argument before he had came back. Maybe it was about the comeback. Was it the new arrangement of vocal lessons?

JR’s brought back from his own thoughts when he hears a loud  _ smack _ against the wall. He wonders whether JB’s hand hurt from the harsh contact or not. 

“Yah--”

“Come here.” JB grabs JR’s hips, lips already attached to his. It’s fast-paced and knocks the air out of JR. He barely has a second to comprehend what the hell was going on before he’s getting pushed back towards his room. They’re too preoccupied to hear the soft click of the front door. And as they work themselves into the dark room, they don’t see the dead-fallen face of Youngjae. 

Youngjae wonders if this was fate’s sick twist of mockery.  _ Welcome back, dumbass. He still doesn’t want you. _


	8. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone knows JB and JR are a "thing". Its not hard to see that. But no one knows what happens when night falls and the door to JB and Youngjae's bedroom closes. No one knows that Youngjae's the one that takes all the stress away from JB... That he's the one that loves JB through all his flaws, the one that follows without any question...
> 
> No one knows.
> 
> And it seems as if JB wants it that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cross posting from my AFF~!

There’s a time and place for everything but JR obviously does not care at the moment. His voice is low but rough enough to attract attention if he didn’t stop. They were currently sitting in the backstage waiting room preparing for an interview. It was suppose to be some big time online magazine. But JR doesn’t seem to understand how to stop being petty. He’s nagging at Youngjae over something that the younger had apparently done earlier that day. 

“You were rude to me. I’m your hyung.” JR shoves lightly at Youngjae’s shoulder. “Just because I’m not as old as Mark doesn’t mean you can disrespect me.” JR gives his ‘I’m-going-to-win-this-fight-pout’ and Youngjae doesn’t even know how to respond. He’s learned that if you let JR get everything out all at once, you’ll have a better chance of surviving and being completely intact by the end of the conversation. He still doesn’t know what he did to piss off the elder but that didn’t matter at the moment. At the moment, JR was pissed and it was up to him to end it quietly before the interviewer got here. 

“Are you ignoring me now?” JR glares at Youngjae. “Yah!”

“Jinyoung-ah!” Mark interrupts from the side. “The interviewer’s going to get here soon. Stop it.”

“If I let him do it once, he’ll do it again.”

“Youngjae, just apologize!” 

Youngjae looks from JR to Mark and around the room. He wonders how they got in this situation in the first place. One moment they were riding the high from the great performance and the next JR was scolding him for something he didn’t do. He meets JB’s eyes for a split second and he swears he sees the elder’s mouth open as if he was going to say something but he beats JB to it.

“I’m sorry.” Youngjae fixes his eyes on JR again. “I’m sorry, hyung, for what I did. I didn’t mean to. I won’t ever do it again.”

“And what did you do?” JR chides. Youngjae swears he sees a twitch on the end of the elder’s lips.

“I-” Youngjae comes up short. He wasn’t sure what he did this morning that would piss JR off. He woke up. Got ready and rushed out to the car like everyone else. What was wrong in having a routine?

“See!” JR exclaims. “He doesn’t even know what he did wrong.” He turns around to face Youngjae again. He takes a step toward Youngjae before someone finally steps in.

“Yah! Have this conversation later.” JB steps in between them. 

As if on cue, the door opens and the interviewer walks in with a few staff people. She was the pretty type. Tall, slim and had makeup caked on for the camera. Introductions are done quickly and she shakes everyone’s hand. JB doesn’t miss the fact that she holds Youngjae’s hand just a little longer than everyone else’s. 

“Alright! Let’s start this, shall we?” She points to the camera man and he gives the okay to start. Her voice suddenly raises a pitch, her moves a tad more innocent, and smile just a smidge brighter. She gives a short introduction of their song and their background before gesturing towards them. They do their usual intro and everything seems to go normally. 

There are the usual questions about what they they are expecting from this comeback and the struggles during the recording process. They talk about their favorite songs from the album, which one was their recommendation and if things have been different from when they last did an interview with this particular magazine. Youngjae doesn’t remember doing a previous interview with them but pretends he does.

“Nothing has changed. We’re all still doing well.” He smiles a little harder to erase the situation that had transpired before they stepped in. 

“That’s very good.” She smiles brightly at Youngjae. “Ah! So, with this comeback, Youngjae, you have become very popular.” Her eyes are almost sparkling. Youngjae doesn’t know if it’s because of the lights or not but they are beaming almost unnaturally. Youngjae feels the heat in his cheeks and he suddenly becomes very shy. 

“Ah…” Youngjae stumbles on his words. “Tha-thanks you.” He doesn’t see the eyes on him as he dips his head down between his shoulders. He may not have seen the eyes on him but he definitely felt them. Especially after Bambam starts doing the shoulder shimmying thing that he always does to tease the other members, and suddenly Jackson is howling in a teasing laughter. But the host continues. 

“Many of you fans find your smile very charming. How about you smile at the camera once, for you fans.” 

“You’re not doing this for your own good, right?” JB’s voice breaks through the rest of the noise but is almost low enough to be missed if you weren’t listening closely. It causes Youngjae to look up at the elder. It seems to everyone else that it was a joke. He’s smiling his trademark smile; his eyes pulled tight and grinning from cheek to cheek. It was a joke. Anyone can see that. But Youngjae hears the edge on his voice. If he didn’t know any better, Youngjae would say that he was acting like a jealous boyfriend. But Youngjae does know better and the thought is thrown out as soon as it appears. Youngjae ends up shyly looking at the camera and smiling. Just the way he knows the fans like. 

The interview comes quickly to an end. It’s almost as if everything was being played in fast-forward because before Youngjae knows it the interviewer is gesturing towards him again. 

“Youngjae-shi,” Her smile is radiant. “Why don’t you do the ending message?”

He stiffens. He’s never really done this before and he’s not really sure what to say. JB, JR, and Jackson were the ones who usually took care of the ending greeting and he understood why. They had the experience and the personality for it. Youngjae was lacking both. 

Almost instinctively, he looks over to JB. He’s surprised to see him staring right back. Even more surprising was the way he was looking at him. It was almost as if he was  _ supporting _ Youngjae to say something. He also wonders if he really saw that small smile, but Youngjae assumes he’s really just imagining everything.

“I’ve…” Youngjae looks away toward the interviewer. “I’ve never really done this before, so I’m sorry if I’m a little boring.” 

“Oh! No worries. I think you’re quite charming! Try it!” She encourages greedily. 

Youngjae gives a shy laughter before continuing. He covers the basics; he loves the fans, he’s glad to be back, and he’s hoping the fans support them no matter what. But he stutters through the entire thing and he’s awkwardly cute. He ends it with another shy smile and at the last second he adds a finger heart with a wink. It sends everyone into high-toned squeaks and finger curlings. All except one.

JR just smiles. Lips pulled tight over his teeth and eyes thinned. It’s almost like he doesn’t want to react to what Youngjae has done. For a split second Youngjae catches JR’s eyes, but the elder is the first to look away. A cold shiver runs down Youngjae’s spine. We wonders if JR really did just roll his eyes at him or if his exhaustion is finally getting to him. 

~ * ~

Youngjae wakes up to hushed voices. His mind is muggy and he’s unsure of where he is, but the last thing he remembers before knocking out was the new leathery smell of their van. He assumes they pulled over at a rest stop to pump gas or grab food. It’s dark out and it looks like he’s the only one left in the car. The door is pulled wide open and as he peels is tired eyelids open, he can barely make out the two silhouettes standing outside of the car. 

“What is going on with you? Why are you acting like this?”

It sounds like JB. His voice is tense and Youngjae could almost visualize the crease in between his brows. If that was JB, then the other had to be-

“Acting like what? Like someone who’s being ignored after giving them everything they wanted?” JR scorns. 

“No. Why the hell are you acting like a total asshole to Youngjae?! He didn’t do anything to you.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“You’ve been a jackass to him since this morning.” 

“I haven’t.”

“Oh, so picking on him before the interview and making fun of him all day wasn’t you being a jackass?” JB scoffed. “Come’on. I know you and I know when you’re being petty.”

“Why the hell are you paying so much attention to him suddenly?”

“What do you mean? He’s a member. Of course, I have to pay attention to him.”

“Not even a month ago you were complaining about how annoying he was. Who was it that was telling me about how I should be your roommate instead of him? Who was it that was telling me how much you wanted me two weeks ago? Tell me.”

“Jinyoung-ah.”

“Two weeks ago, you came to me, remember? If you want me back so much, why the hell are you paying so much attention to him? Every time he does something, you have to know about it. Everything he says affects you in some way. If it is  _ me _ you want back, why does it feel like I’m the only try to work things out?”

Youngjae holds his breath for the answer. 

If Youngjae can wish for anything in this world, he thinks he would wish for his optimistic side to just disappear and to have a skeptical and realistic thought process. Because no matter how many times he tells himself that JB would never change, he has that little ember of hope still burning in him and at each chance it has, it catches into a bigger flame. And it’s like moth to a flame because it has Youngjae running right back to his innocent hopeful dream that JB would somehow finally see him. But like always, the flame blows out and all Youngjae has left in the end is a bitter realization of what would never be. 

“I’m sorry. I’m just looking out for him. He’s younger. He doesn’t know what he’s doing.” JB’s voice is even quieter than before. “He-I. I won’t- I’ll try to work things out, okay? I’m trying. We’ll work this out. I’m sorry. I want to be with… with you.” 

Youngjae turns to face the opposite window. He stares up into night sky lit by the waning moon. He wonders if he’s ever wanted to hear Junhong’s voice this much before. 

~ * ~

“Just talk.”

“O...kay?! Well, I mean today, in general, was really interesting. Daehyun was trying to impress Youngjae and he fell flat on his face. Jongup is still benching like… twice his weight and Yongguk is going back to eating instant noodles at the studio working on our next album. Himchan’s currently getting scolded because he’s been sneaking out in the company car.” Junhong’s voice somehow soothes the ache in Youngjae’s chest. 

“And.”

“And I’m at the dance studio.”

“Like always.”

“Alone.”

“You practice too much.”

“I’m lonely.”

“That’s your fault. Should have brought someone along.”

“Wanna come over?”

“I-”

“Yes or no?”

“Well-”

“Who are you talking to?” JB’s sudden appearance startles Youngjae. “Who is it?”

“It’s Junhong.” 

“What does he want?” Rather than being surprised by JB’s harsh tone, Youngjae’s rather irritated. He scoffs and turns away from the elder who was still standing in the doorway. 

“We’re hanging out in a bit.” Youngjae grabs his backpack and stuffs it with some workout clothes. “We’re just finalizing our plans.”

“The group has things to do early tomorrow morning. You can’t go out.”

“I just talked to manager-hyung. We don’t have anything until tomorrow night.”

“You still can’t leave.” 

“Says who?” Youngjae’s voice is dismissive in the least. A part of him feels bad for blowing JB off, but the other part of him doesn’t really care. He doesn’t have time to comprehend his actions but there’s nagging feeling in his chest and it’s saying  _ ‘you’re changing, Youngjae. You’re changing a lot.’ _ If Youngjae actually took time to understand this feeling, we would probably realize that Junhong’s a big contributor to the new him but he doesn’t take the time. Instead he rushes out of his room strategically maneuvering around JB.  

And If Youngjae was completely honest, the conversation he had overheard earlier in the day was also a big contributor to the way he was acting as well. It’s almost as if the conversation put everything into a new perspective for Youngjae.  _ JB doesn’t want you. He went to JR because you were annoying him. They are getting back together and you will not matter anymore after this, not that you mattered to him anyways. _ Even though the thought of not being anything to JB still stings like the cut of a blade against his flesh, the thought of being able to confide in Junhong somehow made it feel less painful. 

“I’ll be back early, I promise.”

~ * ~

“I won’t be back early, huh?”

“Doesn’t look like it.” 

Youngjae groans lowly while Junhong looks on with an apologetic expression. His hands are shoved into his sweat pant pockets as he rocks onto his heels. The harsh rain pounds against the window as they stare out into the dark night. There is already at least 3 inches of rain on the ground with more adding on every minute. It didn’t seem like it’ll be lightening up any time soon. 

“They’re gonna kill me.” 

“Maybe Himchan-hyung can drop you off later?”

“How late will he be?”

“I don’t know…” Junhong shrugs apologetically.

Youngjae groans as he bends down in defeat. His arms hang off his knees as he hangs his head between his shoulder. His whine is muffled but Junhong can make out a few words.

“If you’re worried about what JB would say, you can call him.”

Youngjae spends a few seconds contemplating the idea. JB was the reason he wanted to leave the dorms in the first place. Did he really want to go back to a place where he’s not really needed or wanted? All there is to do at home is lay around either waiting for another snide joke from JR, an emotional roller coaster ride with JB, or craziness with Jackson. And he was finally out of the house for the first time in a while. 

There really wasn’t a reason to go back just yet. 

“No. It’s fine. He can deal with it.”

~ * ~

“What?”

“Aww. Are you still mad?”

“What do you want?”

“Look, just because I beat your high score in Pokemon doesn’t mean you can ignore me.” Jackson whines childishly. 

“Hyung~! It’s going to take me forever to beat that!” Jongup’s tone reflects Jackson’s perfectly.

“It’s not my fault I’m naturally good at that game.”

“Did you just call to show off, hyung?” Jongup groans lowly.

“No. Is Youngjae still with Junhong?”

“Umm… Youngjae hyung and Daehyun hyung went out shoppi-

“No. Not your Youngjae. Our Youngjae. Choi. Youngjae.” 

“Oh!” Jongup lets out a soft laugh. “Yeah. He’s with Junhong. They’re at the dance studio.”

Jackson lets out a breath of relief. “Thanks! Now all I have to do is find a way to tell JB that with getting killed.” 

“You can tell JB hyung to calm down and stop being jealous. Youngjae is doing well without him.” 

“Okay, well- wait.” Jackson’s head tilts in confusion. “Why would JB hyung be jealous?”

“You don’t know?”

“Know what?”

“Ummm.” Jongup’s voice is a soft mumble. “I think Yongguk hyung is calling me. I have to go.”

“Moon. Jong. Up!”

“I can’t tell you. Youngjae hyung would skin me alive. Both Youngjae’s would skin me alive.”

“Tell me. Tell me or I’ll set such a high score you’ll have to start a new account on your game.”

Jongup whines in frustration. There’s silence and then Jackson hears shuffling and then a door close. 

“You didn’t hear it from me.” Jongup whispers into the phone.

“Fine.” Jackson listens to silence for a few moments before Jongup breaks it.

“JB hyung and Youngjae hyung…. they’re kind of… together… but not really together?”

“Make some sense Jongup.”

“Well, the thing is… ”

~ * ~ 

JB wouldn’t call it anger. More like annoyed, or maybe irritated. But as he spits out the last of his toothpaste into the sink he wonders why he’s so  _ irritated _ . Why he’s getting so worked up on something, or  _ someone _ . He places his hands under the warm running water before splashing the warm liquid onto his face. He rubs his palm into his skin roughly attempting to clear his mind.

He catches a glimpse of his reflection in the dirty mirror. His clean finger leaves a streak on the mirror as he pokes and prods at his reflection; as if he’s poking into his inner mind. 

“What are you doing Im Jae Bum?” His voice barely a whisper. “What the hell are you thinking?”

He looks over his shoulder when he hears the front door open and close. He quickly shuts off the water and dries his hands before slipping his shirt back on and leaving the bathroom. He meets Youngjae in their bedroom. 

“You’re finally home.”

“It was raining too hard to come home. I didn’t have an umbrella and I didn’t want to get sick since we had promotions.” JB watches as Youngjae throws his backpack onto the ground before reaching for the hem of his sweater. “If you don’t mind, I’m gonna change.”

JB’s eyes narrow at the dismissing tone in his voice before stepping completely into the bedroom and closing the door behind him. He stands with his back against the door and arms crossed in front of his chest. He watches as Youngjae heaves a sigh before lifting the sweater up above his head and over his shoulders. JB catches the moment when Youngjae’s arms are twisted into the thick fabric of the sweater. As the younger attempts to wiggle out of the sweater, the thin fabric of his t-shirt travels higher and higher revealing just enough of the soft paleness of the younger’s lower back. JB stares at the gentle back dimples that appears only when Youngjae flexes that certain way. 

“I don’t like you hanging out with Junhong.” He says without realizing it. He bites the inside of his mouth when Youngjae looks over his shoulder. He’s expecting a passive retort but instead Youngjae scoffs and shakes his head. “I’m serious.”

Youngjae stops his actions and swirls around. His face harsh and annoyed. Instead of saying anything, he heaves a sigh and yanks the sweater off the rest of the way before grabbing a new set of clothes. As he tries to leave the room, JB steps in front of him.

“Are you even listening to me?”

“Get out of my way hyung.”

“What? I don’t satisfy you enough? Is that it?” JB’s voice is tense and hides none of his frustration. “What else do you want?”

“Stop. I’m tired, I’m gonna go shower.” Youngjae attempts to sidestep JB but the elder is faster. He grabs the younger by the arms and walks him back toward the bed. 

“What’s so good about Junhong, huh? What can he give you that I can’t?” JB’s face inches closer. “Tell me.”

“Get off me hyung.” 

“Just tell me!” 

Youngjae feels the tension in his own mind, body and soul snap. 

“He’s a lot better than you’ll ever be.” 

“What?”

Youngjae frees the floodgates.

“I said he’s better than you.” The younger yanks his arms out of JB’s hold; his clothes meeting the wall with a harsh thud before falling to the ground. “You know what he gives me? The time of day. He gives me his word and keeps to it. He gives me a reason to trust.” Youngjae shoves at JB’s chest. “And what do you give me?” He emphasizes each few words with a shove. “You give me headaches. You give attitude. You give me everything that makes me want to dig a hole and hide forever. You don’t give me anything other than a sore body and broken self-esteem.”

“Youngj-

“Yes! I do think he’s better than you. He’s better than you in every way.” He glares at JB. “And he gives me everything you can’t and won’t. He gives me his attention and his dedication. Can you give me that? Can you say you can give me everything he can?”

JB doesn’t have an answer. His lips draw a straight line. He avoids Youngjae’s eyes.

Youngjae scoffs. “That’s what I thought.” Using the momentum of his new courage he snatches his blanket off the bed along with his pillow before shoving past the JB.

“You can’t tell me what to do when you don’t even know what to do yourself.”


	9. Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone knows JB and JR are a "thing". Its not hard to see that. But no one knows what happens when night falls and the door to JB and Youngjae's bedroom closes. No one knows that Youngjae's the one that takes all the stress away from JB... That he's the one that loves JB through all his flaws, the one that follows without any question...
> 
> No one knows.
> 
> And it seems as if JB wants it that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cross posting from my AFF~!

There’s so much blood. Just… so much blood. Youngjae panics.  _ Am I gonna bleed out? _ He clutches his hand close.  _ Shit shit shit _ . There’s so much happening around him but he can’t concentrate on anything other than putting pressure on his wound. The members are shuffling around him and pushing the perpetrator away. Did he stop breathing? He needs to breathe. He needs to stay calm but the wetness that drips from his hand does anything but calms him.

“Here.” JB kneels down in front of him. “Put pressure on it.” He grabs Youngjae’s hand and places a folded mint green hand towel into the raw flesh. “Hold it down and put pressure on it.”

The rough fabric digs into his open flesh and he winces. He clenches his fist tight around the cloth, using his other hand to help his grip tighten. He’s breathing but it feels stuck in his throat. His head is starting to spin. He’s always had a weak stomach when it came to seeing blood. He groans inwardly. He thinks he’s going to be sick. He doesn’t realize it when his grip loosens too much. 

“Hey!” JB takes Youngjae’s hand into his own. “You’re going to be alright.” JB clasps his own fingers around the younger’s hand in an attempt to tighten the hold. “Look at me.”

“Hyung -

“You’re going to be okay~”

The depths that JB’s eyes reached when Youngjae catches a glimpse of the elder’s expression warms him from the inside. It makes him want to cry all of a sudden. The pain starts to dissipate and all he feels now are tears threatening escape. _He cares._ _Look. He really cares._ Suddenly, he doesn’t know if he was lightheaded from the loss of blood or the way the elder was looking at him. His vision becomes what looks like a video played in slow motion.

Youngjae hears a ringing in his ears and a muffled  _ ‘Call manager-hyung, right now’ _ before his vision goes completely dark. 

 

~ * ~

 

There is an unfamiliar ache in Youngjae’s lower back. It stretches all the way up to his shoulder blades. As he extends his arms up above his head in an attempt to soothe his aching limbs, the  _ crack crack crack _ of his joints wake him up even more. His eyes are still unfocused from sleep. He squints to see the clock on the wall across the room. 

_ 2:48 AM _

The sound of a door closing grabs his attention. It’s JB. He’s coming out of JR’s room. There’s a tense moment as their eyes meet. JB is frozen in his step while Youngjae stays seated. This has been the most time they have spent in the same room alone for the past weeks. After JB’s confrontation the night Youngjae came home late from the studio with Junhong, Youngjae was not afraid to make it obvious that he was frustrated with JB. 

Group meetings and practices were now tense with their sharp retorts. Car rides were no longer filled with conversations between young men, but occupied by music softly playing in the background as everyone stared off into the passing scenery; afraid to spark another argument between the two. No one knew what happened between them and no one knew how to fix it. They could only hope for a quick resolution. 

“Why are you still up?” JB’s voice carries a husky flare; like he has just awoke from a sleep. “We have practice tomorrow.”

Youngjae is the one to break eye contact. He sighs as he gets up from the couch, joints clicking as he tries to make his way to the bathroom. He hopes his nonchalant attitude delivers his message.  _ Not right now, please. _ He doesn’t make it across the living room before JB grabs his arm.

“Alright!” Voice strained and low, JB yanks the younger’s arm to face him. “Enough with this shit.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Youngjae turns to leave but another harsh yank of his arm has him hissing in pain.

“Stop being such a fuckin’ ass. If you want me to apologize for saying that shit, then keep on waiting because I’m not apologizing.”

“Let go of me.” Youngjae refuses to look at JB; his eyes are everywhere except for JB’s face.

“Stop being such a brat.”

“Let me go.”

“Stop hanging out with that Junhong kid.”

Youngjae scoffs causing JB’s brows to furrow. When their eyes meet, Youngjae forces himself to steel is expression. Who was JB to tell him to do anything like that?

“What is so wrong about hanging out with him?”

“Nothing. It’s just-

“It’s just because you don’t like it.” Youngjae rolls his eyes. “You don’t like the idea that I have someone other than you to go to for my needs.” Youngjae catches the tightening of JB’s sharp jaw. He’s hit a nerve. “Hyung. I don’t think Jinyoung hyung would like the idea of you slipping out of bed with him just to have this conversation with your ex-boy toy.”

“You-

“I, what?” Youngjae challenges. He doesn’t know where this new confidence comes from but he likes it. 

“Jaebum-ah.” 

The both of them turn to the new voice in the room. Jinyoung’s rubbing the sleep out of his eyes lazily. His other hand scratch the back of his head. At the realization of their close proximity, JB lets go of Youngjae’s arm causing the younger to stumble slightly backward. Youngjae isn’t surprised. Instead, Youngjae sighs heavily as he makes his way toward the bathroom again. He decides to ignore the heavy feeling of having some drilling their eyes into the back of his head. He knows it’s Jinyoung. He doesn’t question whether he will hear an earful tomorrow or not. Instead, he prepares for the worst. 

~ * ~

“What happened?” 

JB stares at the ground unsure of what to say. He himself didn’t know what happened. One moment, they were playing some stupid game in the living room in an attempt to get rid of the group tension and then the next Yugyeom is running into the room screaming about Youngjae bleeding. He wasn’t even sure when Youngjae and Jinyoung had actually gone into the kitchen. 

“Are you not going to answer me?” Their manager’s voice was low and calm, but JB could hear the aggression behind those words. 

“I’m sorry, hyung.” JB keeps his head bowed. “I’m not sure what happened either. We were all in the living room one moment and then… it all just happened so quick.” JB bows deeply. “I’m really sorry hyung. I messed up. I should have taken care of them better.”

JB hears a deep sigh and then a pat on his shoulder. 

“It’s okay. We all make mistakes. I’m just glad you guys are okay.” Manager pats his back once again. “I just… I have to go report this to the company. Please…”

“I will look over everything here and get back to you, hyung.” JB bows deeply again. “I’m sorry to have to bother you so late.”

JB lets out a deep sigh when he hears their manager’s footstep disappear around a corner. He stands in his place for a moment before finally making his way to the door that was labeled ‘Choi Young Jae’. He lets out another sigh before pressing down the door handle.

 

~ * ~

 

Youngjae wonders if he takes the gold medal for worst luck in the world. How does one end up in the same idol group as their tormentor - whom they are in a for-certain-benefits-relationship with - and their tormentor’s lover - who is their ex-but-not-really-their-ex? He’s willing to sell a part of his soul to find the answer. Not that he has much of a soul left after what JB has done to -and with- him. Nonetheless, he still wants an answer. 

“You’re luck is shit.” Jackson says as he throws his cards down on the table, signifying his victory for the 6th time in a row. “Don’t gamble, Youngjae. You’ll just waste the other player’s time.”

Youngjae groans. His luck is worse than he thought. 

“Yah.” Jackson leans in close to Youngjae. “Are you and Jinyoung fighting, too?”

“No…?” Youngjae’s brows pinch, slightly. “Why?”

“He’s just…” Jackson nods toward JR’s sitting figure. He’s facing the vanity mirror, but Youngjae doesn’t miss the moment his eyes meets JR’s eyes in the mirror. JR is the first to look away. There’s a cold sweat that runs down Youngjae’s back. He wonders if JR questioned JB about last night. He doubts it, but Youngjae can never be too sure. JR isn’t as dull as anyone thinks. “He keeps staring over here, and I’ve been well-mannered these past few days, so it’s probably not me that he’s pissed at.”

“It’s not you.”

“So you guys  _ are _ fighting.”

“No, we’re not.”

“Then, what?”

“It’s-” Youngjae sighs. “It’s complicated.” 

“Korean is complicated.” Jackson sits on Youngjae’s seat arm. “But I figured it out. I’m sure I can figure this out.”

“No. You can’t.”  _ More like I don’t want you to. _

“Wow. That’s a vote of confidence.”

Youngjae chuckles at the offended expression on Jackson’s face before grabbing the cards and shuffling them. Jackson’s sharp voice causes him to flinch.

“Jinyoung-ah! If you want to look at me, look at me directly. Don’t look at me through the mirror. I look better than my reflection!”

Youngjae chuckles softly as Jackson settles back down. He deals Jackson’s cards out before picking up his own. 

“Yah…” Jackson’s voice is quiet as he leans over to Youngjae. “I have a question.”

“Yes?”

“So like…” Jackson looks around. The only other person in the room is Jinyoung but he was a good distance away. Jackson decides now or never. “About you and JB hyung.”

“What… about us?” Youngjae tries to play it off by shuffling his cards around. 

“About you know… like…” Jackson leans in closer. “Everything.”

 

~ * ~

 

“Everything…” JB sighs. “I’m sorry about it all.”

Youngjae just stares at him. There’s a million things that he wants to say to JB but nothing is coming out. He wants to tell JB that he deserves more than just an apology from a guilty conscience or obligations of leader. He wants to tell JB he’s selfish for everything that he’s put both Youngjae and Jinyoung through. Every wound that he inflicted on Youngjae and every secret that he kept away from Jinyoung, it was for his own selfish desires and they both didn’t deserve any of it. He wanted to tell JB how much it hurt being alone when JB was right there next to him, how lonely it was even though there were six other people there with him. 

But he doesn’t. 

Instead, he shuts his eyes in an exhausted manner wishing the next wave of feelings to go back from where it came from. 

“You should be with Jinyoung hyung.” Youngjae’s voice is still husky from his short rest. “He must be hurting a lot.”

“Youngjae, you’re-

“I’m fine.” The younger turns around in the hospital bed, his back now toward JB. “Jinyoung hyung needs you more.”

“Don’t be like this.”

“I’m not being like anything.” 

“Should I call Junhong?”

“Yes.”

“Youngjae!”

“I said I was fine.”

Youngjae expects JB to say something more but instead the elder sighs deeply before stepping back toward the door. He pulls the door open but stops before stepping through.

“You should rest.” He says over his shoulder. “I’ll talk to you later.”

 

~*~

 

“Who told you?” Youngjae’s mind is running a marathon trying to find out who it would be. He feels the bile building up again from somewhere deep in his stomach. He’s going to be sick but he forces the feeling down as he looks up to a calm Jackson leaning to his side with a hand on his hip. 

“Umm… A little bird.” Jackson has an eyebrow cocked upward.

“I’m serious!” Youngjae’s voice is tense. “Who told you?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Jackson rolls his eyes. “What matter is that JB is the leader and he should know better than to be acting like this.”

“Jackson. It’s not like that.”

“Not like what?” Jackson voice raises louder than what Youngjae is comfortable with. “He’s playing games with you and Jinyoung. That’s not cool. Not only because you guys are our members but it’s because it’s just rude! If he did this with anyone else, I would be this angry, too!” Jackson is starting pace around, his hands fanning out naturally as if the air would give him answers. “He’s got you both going at each other’s necks and he’s hurting both of you. It’s selfish and stupid!”

“Jinyoung doesn’t know.”

Youngjae instantly regrets letting those words slip from his mouth. His head lowers; almost cowering away from Jackson’s glare. His teeth work at his lower lip in nervousness and his knee is doing that jiggle thing that it does when he’s on edge. He doesn’t know how Jackson will respond to this news. It could only go very good or very bad, and if he had to be very honest with himself, he knew it was going to go very-

“Tell him.” Youngjae’s head shoots up in surprise. “Just… Just don’t do it yet.” 

Jackson sits down next to Youngjae. There’s a heavy silence that stretches between them. Neither one knows what to say to the other. 

“I’m hurting.” Youngjae’s voice is thin and quiet when he decides to break the silence; just enough for Jackson to hear. “I want to tell Jinyoung hyung. I want to end everything. I want to be free from this cycle that I’m always in.” He shudders as he takes a breath. “It hurts when I see them together knowing he was just with me. I know I don’t have a right to be angry or hurt and I want to tell Jinyoung hyung everything but what do I tell him.  _ How _ do I tell him?” Jackson watches as Youngjae clenches his hands together. “ _ How are you, hyung? Oh, by the way, I’m sleeping with JB hyung and I think… no, I know I love him, but he’s still not willing to let you go so we’re sleeping together behind your back. _ ” Youngjae scoffs at the scene that plays across his mind. “Yeah. No. I don’t think that’s a conversation I want to be having with him anytime soon.”

“He deserves to know.” 

“I know.” Youngjae picks at his dead nail beds. “I know that.”

“And you deserve to stop hurting.” Jackson swings an arm around Youngjae’s shoulder. “Look. It’s selfish of JB to be letting you take the brunt of this … thing… you guys have going on. He has as much responsibility in this as you do. You know JB can’t and won’t tell Jinyoung so you have to.” Jackson squeezes Youngjae’s shoulder in a comforting manner. “Jinyoung deserves to know and you deserve to be free from the hurt.”

Youngjae is appreciative of Jackson’s kind and thoughtful words but gains little comfort from them.

“Is Jinyoung suspicious of you guys?” Jackson asks suddenly.

“I’m… not too sure.”

“What does that mean?”

“He walked in on us the other night.”

Youngjae finds Jackson’s expression almost comical. 

“No. Not us doing the deed.” Youngjae eye rolls. “We were… having one of our stupid arguments and Jinyoung walked in on us. I don’t think he heard anything, but the position we were in may have been clued him in.”

“Is that why he’s been so aggressive toward you?”

“What do you mean aggressive?”

“I mean all the teasing and roughhousing. You don’t find that a bit weird?” Jackson looks up as if he’s hit with a million thoughts. “Maybe that’s why he’s been glaring at you so much. Hmm. Maybe it wasn’t me then.” The last part was intended for himself only and not for Youngjae to hear. 

Youngjae thinks over the past few weeks and he does find it a bit odd that JR’s been giving him so much attention. Sure JR’s always given him attention but now that Jackson has said it JR has been making more physical contact with him. 

“No… I mean, Jinyoung wouldn’t do that.” Youngjae doubts his own thoughts. He was sure JR wouldn’t be that petty. “Right?”

“You never know Youngjae.” Jackson shrugs in deep thought. “Jealousy can make someone do the unexpected.”

 

~ * ~

 

It stings a bit where JR’s hand made contact with Youngjae’s back, but the younger keeps quiet. When the elders grips his shoulders and shakes him, he goes with it. He doesn’t question it when he’s shoved into the sofa after a joke. He laughs it off.

“Yah. Youngjae-ah.” JR calls out with a laugh as he slumps down into the seat next to him. “Come on. Let’s go make some snacks for the movie.”

“Um… sure.” Youngjae eyes Jackson who’s already eyeing JR. “Jackson hyung, why don’t you come with us?”

The three make their way into the kitchen and while Youngjae searches the refrigerator and cabinets for whatever they have to make decent sandwiches, Jackson stands at the end of the counter with his arms crossed against his chest, eyes set at JR who is quickly rinsing the items that Youngjae through at him. Jackson gets tired of the lack of conversation and decides he will start one. 

“Jinyoung, who were you looking at earlier?” Jackson waves his finger around attempting to show he meant earlier in the day. 

“What?”

“At the waiting room.” Jackson tries his best to act nonchalant. “You were looking at Youngjae and me, right?”

“Why… would you think that?” JR continues his tasks without looking at Jackson. 

“I was just asking.” Jackson shrugs. “Nothing in particular.”

“I was looking at you guys playing your card game.” Jinyoung smiles. “It looked fun.”

And the conversation stops there, but the speaking didn’t. Jackson stood to the side as JR threw task after task after task at Youngjae.  _ Rinse the vegetables. Wash the knife. Toast the bread.  _ Jackson wonders for a second if his short interrogation was the cause of the sudden change in attitude in JR. Things were finally starting to calm down before they walked into the kitchen. Had he made it worse, again?

“Yah! Do you not know how to cut a tomato? Are you stupid?” JR bumps Youngjae with his hip roughly. “Let me do it.”

“Youngjae-pabo. Why aren’t you doing anything? Get the sauces. Why are you so useless?” He says with a small laugh. Jackson doesn’t think it’s funny. 

After a few rounds of putdowns, Youngjae decides he can sit out for now. If JR needed anything, he would ask, but as he watched JR work, he figures the least he could do was grab a cup of water for him as works. He fills the glass and walks over to hand it to JR. 

“Hyung, water-

“Yah. Stop bothering me! I’m cutting with a knife here.” JR swats his arm at the cup in Youngjae’s hand with too much force. 

It happens all so fast Youngjae doesn’t even have time to process the entire thing. One moment he’s holding the cup in his hand and the next it’s in large shattered pieces on the floor. Maybe Youngjae does have the worst luck in the world. If he didn’t, why would he have stagger back and got his feet caught in the kitchen rug causing him to fall? Youngjae has concluded that he has the worst luck in the world. 

“Jinyoung!” Jackson all but screams at him, grabbing at his arm. “What the hell are you doing?”

“I-I didn’t…”

“You don’t think JB’s already making his life hard enough?” Jackson is in JR’s face now, his brows are set in a straight line and his eyes are hard. “You have to fuck with him, too?”

“Wh-what?” 

“You have shit to settle with JB, not Youngjae. Why the hell are you picking on him for?”

JR yanks his arm out of Jackson’s grip. “What are you talking about? What do you mean Youngjae and JB?”

“You-

“What’s going on?” JB’s voice is loud and booming when he enters the kitchen. “Yugyeom said-

“It hurts…” Youngjae says from his previous position on the floor. “My hand… It hurts.”

There’s so much blood. Just… so much blood. Youngjae panics.  _ Am I gonna bleed out? _ He clutches his hand close.  _ Shit shit shit _ . There’s so much happening around him but he can’t concentrate on anything other than putting pressure on his wound. The members are shuffling around him and pushing the perpetrator away. Did he stop breathing? He needs to breathe. He needs to stay calm but the wetness that drips from his hand does anything but calms him.

“Here.” JB kneels down in front of him. “Put pressure on it.” He grabs Youngjae’s hand and places a folded mint green hand towel into the raw flesh. “Hold it down and put pressure on it.”

The rough fabric digs into his open flesh and he winces. He clenches his fist tight around the cloth, using his other hand to help his grip tighten. He’s breathing but it feels stuck in his throat. His head is starting to spin. He’s always had a weak stomach when it came to seeing blood. He groans inwardly. He thinks he’s going to be sick. He doesn’t realize it when his grip loosens too much. 

“Hey!” JB takes Youngjae’s hand into his own. “You’re going to be alright.” JB clasps his own fingers around the younger’s hand in an attempt to tighten the hold. “Look at me.”

“Hyung -

“You’re going to be okay~”

The depths that JB’s eyes reached when Youngjae catches a glimpse of the elder’s expression warms him from the inside. It makes him want to cry all of a sudden. The pain starts to dissipate and all he feels now are tears threatening escape. _He cares._ _Look. He really cares._ Suddenly, he doesn’t know if he was lightheaded from the loss of blood or the way the elder was looking at him. His vision becomes what looks like a video played in slow motion.

Youngjae hears a ringing in his ears and a muffled  _ ‘Call manager-hyung, right now’ _ before his vision goes completely dark. 


	10. Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone knows JB and JR are a "thing". Its not hard to see that. But no one knows what happens when night falls and the door to JB and Youngjae's bedroom closes. No one knows that Youngjae's the one that takes all the stress away from JB... That he's the one that loves JB through all his flaws, the one that follows without any question...
> 
> No one knows.
> 
> And it seems as if JB wants it that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cross posting from my AFF~!

There’s a thick tension in the room. Jinyoung is sitting in the side chair while Youngjae sits cross-legged in the hospital bed. Youngjae avoids Jinyoung’s eyes. He knows what Jinyoung wants to talk about and it’s not about how his hand is feeling. He feels a single sweat bead drip down his spine as the elder releases a low sigh. 

“You and JB…” Jinyoung tries to rephrase his question in attempt to be less aggressive. “Jackson said… Youngjae. Look at me.” 

Youngjae bites the inside of his lip and finally meets Jinyoung’s eyes. There’s confusion, anger and frustration boiling behind his eyes. Youngjae’s stomach lurches and he feels sick. He wonders for a quick second if the nurses would be mad if he spilled whatever is left of his dinner last night across the floor. The guilt seeps through his pores. He knows JR has every right to be angry at him. 

“You and JB… When… did you guys start… umm?” 

Youngjae knows Jinyoung deserves the truth.

“After you guys broke up but before our debut.” Youngjae’s voice is quiet. “It just… kind of happened.”

“But we were together after the debut, too.” 

Youngjae offers a silence that ignites Jinyoung’s rage.

“You knew we were together… and you still…” The elder’s voice is tense. His nails are digging into the meaty parts of his palm in an attempt to calm himself. “Answer me!”

“I…”

“You knew we were together and you still did that?”

“I didn’t know you guys were together… again. I just thought…”

“No. You didn’t think. If you actually gave this some thought we wouldn’t be in this situation.”

Youngjae stares at the tiled ground.

“Say something!” Jinyoung stands up so fast that he knocks the chair backward with a loud screech then  _ thump _ . “Anything! Don’t just-

Youngjae flinches when Jinyoung snatches the sheets off of the his body.

“Are you stupid? Are you mute? Say something! I bet you weren’t this quiet when Jaebum was fucking you! Say something!”

His fist is wrapped tightly on the collar of Youngjae’s hospital gown. 

“Hy-hyung.” Youngjae grabs at Jinyoung’s wrist. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… hyung.”

“Jinyoung!” Jackson rips Jinyoung’s hands off. “Back up!”

“Let go of me Jackson.”

“Get out.” Jackson shoves Jinyoung just enough so the command is understood. “Take a breather. Step out.”

Jinyoung heaves a sigh before storming off, knocking into the others while making his way out; the room suddenly too cramped. Jackson straightens out Youngjae’s gown as the others settle around them. Youngjae senses the timid curiosity from the others. He knows the questions without them asking. 

“Don’t look at me like that.” Youngjae’s eyes are focused on the bandages wrapped around his hand. “Things happened and Jinyoung hyung deserves to be mad. I don’t need your sympathy.” 

“Hyung.” Yugyeom takes a step closer. The youngest member doing what his older members couldn’t do. 

“I’m okay, Yugyeom-ah.” Youngjae sighs. He shifts onto his back and closes his eyes. If he wishes hard enough, would he really be okay? If you causes enough pain physically to himself, would he be able to take away the pain in his heart? “I’m just tired.”

Youngjae almost forgets that the others are in the room as the silence stretches on. But Yugyeom is the one to break the silence.

“Hyung. I know you’re tired, but I think you should find some time to really apologize to Jinyoung hyung. He’s suffered a lot too, you know. If you knew they were still together, you shouldn’t have done that.”

“Yugyeom-ah-

“No. It’s okay.” Youngjae sighs. “Let him say it, Bambam. He’s right.” His teeth dig into his bottom lip and slides this hands under his pillow. His fingers clench around the soft fabric; almost ripping it.

“Jinyoung hyung deserves an apology. You can’t just hide away forever-

A soft knock brings everyone’s attention to the door.

“I was in the neighborhood… and heard about what happened.” Junhong looks from Youngjae’s limp body on the hospital bed to the his member’s stiff stature next to him. “But… I can come back another time… or visit you at home.” Junhong lowers the bouquet of flowers in his hands to this side as he slowly steps backward out of the room. 

“Stay.” Youngjae speaks without looking at anyone. The white wall has become a rather interesting landmark in his line of vision. “They were just about to leave. I would like some company anyways.” 

With no other words, the rest of the members leave the room. Youngjae listens carefully to the shuffling of footsteps and rustling of clothes as his members made their way out. Jackson’s hesitant department was apparent from his harsh whispers to whoever was trying to drag him out. Junhong replaces them next to the hospital bed and settles into a comfortable silence. 

“What kind of flowers are those?” Youngjae is the first to speak with a subtle head nod toward the flowers in Junhong’s hand.

“Ah! These?” Junhong pulls the flowers up to his face and sniffs them. “These are Gar...Gardenias?” He smiles softly. “I told them about you and what happened. The worker suggested these. I don’t know anything about flowers… I just…”

Youngjae finds Junhong’s rambling refreshing. It’s innocent and reminds him of when life wasn’t so complicated. He wonders if life would ever be simple, again. Would he be able to forget JB and Jinyoung, this entire accident and the twisted and self-destructive unrequited love he has for JB? Will he ever be able to just breathe freely, again? To just simply exist. Junhong’s soft chuckle carries the drop of effortlessness and simplicity that Youngjae longs for.

“So what happened?” Junhong asks as he keeps his attention on the small orange fruit in his hand he found on the night stand. Small bits of the peel dig into the underside of his nail as he continues. “I mean… If it’s okay that I ask. I don’t want to intrude.”

“It’s fine.” The tip of Youngjae’s fingers gently runs along the covered gash on his injured hand. “It was an accident. Everything happened so fast.” 

“An accident?” Junhong sounds skeptical. A scoff passing his lips without permission. 

“Why do you sound like Jackson?” 

“I don’t sound like anyone.” Junhong smiles widely; his eyes pulling into tight crescents. He shrugs nonchalantly. “I’m just getting the facts straightened out. If it was an accident, then it was an accident.”

 

~ * ~

 

“Don’t you think it’s time you stop blaming everything on Youngjae?” 

Jinyoung glares at Jackson from where he’s sitting on the couch. His arms are crossed tightly over his chest, his fist tucked tightly away just for safety measures. He knew he was going to have this conversation sooner or later; he just rather it be later.

It’s been a few days since the entire incident and he hasn’t seen Youngjae nor JB since. The company had recommended that Youngjae rest in the hospital while the rest of the group take a short vacation; oddly giving everyone a small allowance to use while on break. Jinyoung rejects the vacation time that was given to him, though. He didn’t want this incident to follow him home and cause unnecessary tension where it need not be. Leaving this place does not mean the problems he had were going to magically disappear.

“Are you just not going to answer me?” 

“What do you want?” He stares blankly at the television.

“I said, are you ready to stop blaming everything on Youngjae now?”

“Why would I blame him?” Jinyoung isn’t aware of the sharpness that comes with the last word he speaks.

“Do you ‘ _ not’ _ blame him?”

“I-

“See! You do!”

Jinyoung likes to pride himself with the fact that he’s a pretty rational person. He doesn’t get mad quickly. He tries to understand every perspective of a situation. He really wants to see the bigger picture. But he can’t just push this off to the side. He feels betrayed in every way and for the first time in a very long time, he feels vulnerable in a way that makes him ache from the inside out.

“But he - ” Jinyoung states in a stern voice. “Why would I not blame him?”

“Cheating is a two way street, Jinyoung.”

“Wh-

“I know you don’t want to hear what I’ve got to say, but trust me when I say this, Youngjae is hurting just as much as you.”

“Why would he? He ruined what JB and I had going for us. He got exactly what he wanted.”

“No, he didn’t. You guys ruined it for yourselves and Youngjae’s the person that is stuck in the middle.” 

“We were working it out.”

“Obviously not, if JB was still hung up on Youngjae.”

With a loud huff and a tense silence, Jackson drops into the couch next to Jinyoung. 

“They weren’t ever a real  _ thing _ .” Jackson starts. “They were just sleeping together.”

“Didn’t seem like it to me.” Jinyoung slouches deeper into the couch. 

“Things got… complicated.” Jackson bites with bottom lip and considers whether he should share the dark details. He respects and appreciates the trust that Youngjae has in him, but he also wants to protect Youngjae from being wrongfully accused. “JB wanted to keep things simple, but Youngjae… he got caught up in everything.”

“And you still say that it wasn’t his fault?”

“Can you shut up for a moment and hear me out?” Jackson’s rough words takes Jinyoung by surprise, but keeps his attention nonetheless. “Youngjae got caught up but he knew what JB wanted. He knew JB didn’t want anything from him other than what he can physically give and that’s what he did. JB took and he gave. But when he found out that JB and you were trying to work things out, he tried to stop. He tried to distance himself. But you know better than anyone else what happens when you get emotions involved.”

“Did JB know about what Youngjae was feeling?” Jinyoung asks calmly; eyes still blankly staring at the flashing television. “Did he know about everything?”

“I don’t know.” Jackson sighs heavily. “I don’t know if he knew anything but it doesn’t excuse him from the fact that he hurt Youngjae.” 

“We hurt Youngjae.” Jinyoung throws his head back releasing a low groan. “You never think about who you are hurting when all you can see is your own relationship.”

“What do you mean?”

“I had a feeling something was going on. I just… The signs were all there. I guess I was just so focused on the idea of JB and I being back together that I pushed it off as nothing important.” Jinyoung’s lips pull slightly into a blissful smile. “Something happens when he and I are together… We just… There’s a comfort that I can’t find anywhere else and I think it’s the same thing with him.

When we broke up, I think we both lost a big part of ourselves and as time grew longer we just craved for that part back. When he came back to me and said he wanted to work things out, I felt a piece of myself being found again and I latched onto it.”

“Then what made you think there was something going on between them?” 

“JB had a way he talked about Youngjae.” Jinyoung scoffed. “Now that I think about it, I should have known there was something more going on. 

His eyes… The way they just… lit up whenever Youngjae ever did anything well. Or the way he would get mad over some trivial conversation Youngjae was having with that Junhong kid. I was just so concentrated on fixing my relationship with JB that I just… I pushed everything else to the side. And Youngjae… The way Youngjae was so cold around me. The way he would just close up and pull away from everyone. I should’ve known. We were both hurting him whether we knew it or not.”

Jackson gives Jinyoung a sideways look before letting out a sigh of defeat. 

“I’m sorry that you guys are all hurting. I might not understand how much, but I know you are all hurt by this situation and I just want you all to stop hurting.” He turns to face Jinyoung completely. “You need to talk to Youngjae about everything. I think you both have valid arguments as to why you are angry, but keeping all of this anger in is going to ruin yourself and the teamwork of this team.” 

~ * ~

It takes longer than Jinyoung thought it would to finally come to terms with his situation; if he could even say he has come to terms with it. There’s not much to grasp about the situation. JB and him were together. They broke up. Youngjae and JB happened. JB wants to work things out with him but is keeping Youngjae on the side for whatever reason JB has. Secrets are revealed and now everyone knows. It’s simple; there’s nothing to it. Jinyoung believes he has gone through the entire process of grieving the loss of his relationship with JB and has finally reached the final stage of his grieving; acceptance. 

Things happened; it doesn’t matter what he feels about it now, the fact of the matter is that it happened and it can not be changed. 

Even if he is angered, hurt or utterly disappointed in the series of events that led to this very position, he has accepted that he can not change the past; he can only make decisions for the present and the future. 

_ And, Dear God, help me make the right decisions from hereon out. _

“Piece of sh- Stupid fuc-” Jinyoung kicks the locked glass front door of the JYP building and as if he finally realizes he’s in public, he quickly looks around to see if there are any fans lurking around the building that heard his outburst. He sighs a breath of relief when he sees empty streets. “Please just open…” He types in his password once more before he hears the usual  _ hiss _ of the automated air pressure pull the door open. “Thank you!”

He makes his ways through the familiar hallways of the building. He knows the building like the back of his hands; given he has spent nearly half of his youth years dedicated to this very place. He remembers when he first started training he could not, for the life of him, even find the bathroom and now he can navigate the echoing corridors blindfolded and walking backwards. 

It’s not surprising that those memories bring back heartache as well. 

As far as he can remember, he has always walked these halls side by side with JB. It was JB who first approached him when he looked lost. It was JB who held him as he cried in the storage closet next to the 2nd floor studio after their debut stage. It was JB who walked the halls with him on nights that his train of thoughts became more of a burden than a gift. If he listened really close, Jinyoung can almost hear the timbre in JB’s voice as they sat in the halls, well past midnight, reciting lines for Jinyoung’s acting auditions. 

As if it was an act of witchery, all of those memories that were once a source of Jinyoung’s happiness suddenly gave him a stabbing pain in the deepest part of his soul. 

_ How did we get to this? _ Jinyoung tries not to take the bait that would lead him down the rabbit hole. He knows where it’s leading him and it’s not a place he would like to go, but he wants answers and he wants answers now. 

_ Where did we go wrong? _

_ What did I do that would cause JB to do something like this?  _

_ Was I not enough? _

Jinyoung flinches as the water bottle slaps the mirror and spills across the wooden floor. It takes him a moment to recollect himself and realize that the crinkled water bottle on the floor is his own. He hates that he still finds himself in this cycle of thought. 

One moment, he is able to come to an understanding that things happened and there is nothing on his part that could have changed it. Just accept that it has happened, that he is hurt and has every reason to be hurt, but also move on from it.

The next moment, he is boiling in rage and frustration because  _ why? Why him? Why Youngjae? WHY?! _

His backpack. 

His jacket. 

Loose paper from the shelf. 

Books on the table.

Magazines on the stereo. 

Everything is everywhere and Jinyoung is finally out of breath when he falls onto his back; the coolness of the floor giving no relief for his burning frustration. The wreckage a clear reflection of his emotional and mental state. 

Jinyoung doesn’t recognize the voice that rings through the room.

It’s too loud, too hollow, too rough to be his own.

The rawness that rips at his throat tells him otherwise. 

He promises himself this is the last night he will let JB have any part of him; a lie he wants to so deeply believe to be the truth.

And by the time he is finally able to peel himself off of the floor, he is physically drained and emotionally numb. Body on autopilot, he collects his personal items and straightens the room out the best he can before flicking off the light and dragging his feet through the long, dimly lit hallways. 

He stops dead in his tracks before reaching the front doors.

He recognizes the voice before he hears the words. 

He feels the pain before he realizes who it was that sung this song of the familiar heartbreak.

 

[ _ The street that I walked together with you _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLB-7p4Y_lg)

[ _ The seat that I was sitting across from you _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLB-7p4Y_lg)

[ _ Now I’m alone _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLB-7p4Y_lg)

[ _ When this song resonates _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLB-7p4Y_lg)

 

[ _ You constantly come back to me and shake me _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLB-7p4Y_lg)

[ _ Even if I close both of my eyes _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLB-7p4Y_lg)

[ _ Even if I cover both of my ears _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLB-7p4Y_lg)

[ _ I can still feel you  _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLB-7p4Y_lg)

 

[ _ For me just walking on the streets _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLB-7p4Y_lg)

[ _ Even to just breathe  _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLB-7p4Y_lg)

[ _ It’s hard for me _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLB-7p4Y_lg)

[ _ Because of the trauma, the trauma you left me _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLB-7p4Y_lg)

 

[ _ Even to just eat _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLB-7p4Y_lg)

[ _ Even to just smile _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLB-7p4Y_lg)

[ _ It’s hard for me _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLB-7p4Y_lg)

[ _ This vicious trauma _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLB-7p4Y_lg)

 

~ * ~

 

Red. Red. Red. All he sees is red.

There’s a deafening ringing in his ears and he can faintly make out the looks of horror on the other member’s faces but a circuit blows out in his mind and all he can think of is the image of Youngjae breaking down alone in the studio. The way his weak, hunched over body shook from the unforgiving cries. The way he fell to the ground as his cries grew louder and the music faded out. All of it pushed to the forefront of his mind and all he sees is red; all he feels is red. 

He’s burning from his core and he’s out to get blood. 

And he’s got one person he’s going to rain hell on. 

 

There’s a loud crack, a strong thud that vibrates from the contact and a collective gasp of disbelief. 

 

A wave of relief washes over Jinyoung. 

 

He stares at the dazed and confused look in JB’s eyes as the older boy attempts to recover from the sudden attack. Jinyoung clamps his fists tighter to control the urge to take another shot at the elder; the tightness of his skin stretching over his knuckles giving him temporary relief of the soreness he’s going to be feeling later. 

So maybe, just maybe, Jinyoung has not passed the ‘anger’ stage of grieving his lost relationship with JB, but this surely was a huge step toward fully healing. He takes a deep breath before continuing.

“We need to talk.”


	11. Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone knows JB and JR are a "thing". Its not hard to see that. But no one knows what happens when night falls and the door to JB and Youngjae's bedroom closes. No one knows that Youngjae's the one that takes all the stress away from JB... That he's the one that loves JB through all his flaws, the one that follows without any question...
> 
> No one knows.
> 
> And it seems as if JB wants it that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cross posting from my AFF~!

“You better hope this doesn’t leave a bruise.” JB’s voice is tense and Jinyoung doesn’t need to see it to know that his chin is pulled taut from holding in his anger.

“I’m hoping it does.” 

JB swirls around and his’s glare threatens to cut through Jinyoung’s cold demeanor but fails miserably. 

“What the hell was that for?”

“Don’t act like you don’t know.”

“I don’t.”

“Stop messing around.” Jinyoung returns JB’s glare. “People are getting hurt because of it.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“You know, at first, I thought I was the one that drew the short stick with all of  _ this _ .” Jinyoung gestures between him and JB. “But I just realized, I was the lucky one.”

“What the hell does that supposed to mean?”

“I never questioned you because I thought I could trust you.” Jinyoung shakes his head as a scoff escaped his lips. “But I guess I started to doubt your trust without knowing it, seeing how bad I’ve treated him.” 

“Who the hell are you talking about?”

“Do you know how much he’s hurting? Do you know how much you’ve led him on?” Jinyoung sharp eyes cut into JB’s thick wall of denial. “When I thought I was alone, I still had you to go to. I knew I could come to you no matter what. But who does he go to? When I want to be held, I knew you wouldn’t hesitate to comfort me. But who was there for him?” 

JB tears his eyes away from Jinyoung; unable to deal with reality of what Jinyoung was placing in front of him. It’s scary how much Jinyoung knows him sometimes. How well Jinyoung can dig into his soul and pull out the darkest and weakest parts of him and lay out on the table for him to see. JB knew what he had been doing to Youngjae and he wanted to stop, he knew he  _ needed _ to stop, but seeing Youngjae just made him want more and before he knew it, what he wanted overpowered what he knew he needed to do. 

An overwhelming amount of guilt was all he was left with when he got what he wanted from Youngjae and Jinyoung always knew how to take that guilt away. Jinyoung felt like the safe after the storm and he knew that was the reason he kept going back to Jinyoung. But he also knew that it was only a matter of time that he would lose to his own selfish desires. It was all a cycle and he knew he was the only one that would be able to stop it.

It didn’t really have anything to do with Jinyoung or Youngjae. It made him sick to the stomach and even more frustrated that Jinyoung thinks he had a bigger part in it than he did.  It was all JB and he had been denying it all along, thinking it would all fix itself but here he is, three broken hearts and a sore nose later, still wanting someone he knew he shouldn’t be able to have.

Jinyoung continues the interrogation. “I always thought what we had between us would never change; that no matter how many times we separated, we would somehow always find our way back. But I don’t think it’ll be possible this time around.”

“Jinyoung-ah.”

“It’s not just us hurting ourselves anymore. For the longest time, I was okay with  _ this  _ because I thought it was only us, but we’re hurting other people and it’s not fair for them. No matter how messed up  _ we _ are, others shouldn’t hurt for our inability to define whatever we have.”

“So this is the end? To us?”

“You ended it when you started messing around with Youngjae and got attached, Jaebum-ah.” He scoffs at JB’s resilience. “It had nothing to do with me.”

“I -

“Stop… just stop lying to yourself.” Jinyoung’s voice cuts through JB’s denial. “You want to be with me because I’m someone you’re comfortable with. I’m safe. He’s different because he makes you feel something you’ve never felt before no matter what that is.” Jinyoung takes a breath. “It’s time to stop denying and just accept it before you hurt him to the point of never coming back.”

JB will always be amazed at how much Jinyoung know him. 

 

~ * ~ 

 

_ Let’s hangout later. _

The text was sent 30 minutes prior but only able to be seen after Youngjae’s stepped off the stage. It’s a normal text; something that has been happening more often recently. He unlocks his phone and quickly writes a reply.

_ I’m done with schedules in a bit. I’ll text you when I’m done. :)  _

He slides the phone into his back pocket when he’s done sending the message and picks up his backpack before following everyone else toward the van. His sore body aching with each step he takes. 

“Hey.” 

Youngjae is surprised by Jinyoung’s appearance next to him. He doesn’t remember the last time he’s spoken to Jinyoung outside of their television appearances. It seems, though with no actual conversation between them, they both silently agreed that space was needed between them. Youngjae is relieve but also afraid that Jinyoung’s the first to approach and break this silent arrangement.

“Hey.” Youngjae keeps his eyes on the ground.

“Slow down. Let’s talk.” Jinyoung gently grabs Youngjae’s sleeve to slow him down. They watch as the other members walk further and further away.

“What is it, hyung?”

Jinyoung sighs before he starts. “I know it’s been hard for you to talk to me first, so I figured it’ll just be wiser to end all of this by just talking to you first.” Jinyoung sighs. “I’m sorry about everything that’s happened and how I’ve been acting toward you.” 

Jinyoung scratches the back of his head in an attempt to calm down his nerves. He’s not sure why and when he’s gotten so nervous all of a sudden but he feels the tingles in his finger tips and he’s feeling uncomfortably tense. He grabs Youngjae’s wrist and gestures for the younger to face him. 

“I know I’ve been only thinking about mine and JB’s feelings and unknowingly pushed you into a corner. I’m sorry I did that. As the older one, I should have been more aware of the situation. But more importantly, I am sorry on JB’s half as well.” Jinyoung sighs heavily as he mentally prepares to carry on. “You and I both know how he is and that he’s just…” 

“I know…”

“But that’s not an excuse for how he’s been treating you. Especially if he knows your true feelings.”

Jinyoung’s statement pulls a tense silence between the two. This time Youngjae clears his throat to break the silence. 

“I’m sorry, too. For everything.” Youngjae traces the cracks in the floor with his eyes before finding enough courage to meet Jinyoung’s face. “I should have just… stopped everything before it even started. But I just…”

“Love makes you do stupid things.”

Youngjae’s taken aback by Jinyoung’s statement. His eyes wide open and meeting Jinyoung’s in disbelief of what he just heard.

“Whether you want to admit or not, it’s for you to decide. I’m just calling as I see it.”

Youngjae scoff. “I’ve decided, but having it reciprocated is a different story.”

“Are we still talking about JB now?” Jinyoung nudges teasingly at the younger’s side.

The younger tenses at the older’s remark but relaxes quickly after seeing the playful glint in the elder’s eyes. Youngjae gives him a side look and Jinyoung offers a gentle smile of apology. Jinyoung’s unknowingly tense shoulders relax when he sees Youngjae return the smile.

“Are we okay now?” Jinyoung asks as they slowly catch up with the other members. “Are we on talking terms?”

For a split moment, Youngjae wonders if it was a smart decision to be on good terms again. The time apart seems to have been a good thing for the younger male. Finally having some time to think things through without any interruptions from the other members have been very healing; mentally, emotionally and physically. For the first time since coming to Seoul, he was finally to get some distance from the group and it felt liberating. No one spoke with him if he looked like he was in a bad mood, which happened more often than not, and he got the bedroom to himself. Of course, Jackson was the outlier in this entire ‘self-isolation’ ordeal as he always is. 

For the first time, he got a chance to  _ deal _ with his painful reality in peace and without judgement; and he wasn’t sure if he was ready to give it up yet.

As if staring into his soul, Jinyoung keeps his eyes locked on Youngjae and a thought finally occurred to the younger male.

_ If anyone were able to understand his pain, it would be Jinyoung. JB didn’t hurt just him. He had hurt Jinyoung, too.  _

Whether it was for his own good or it being karma coming back around for getting between JB and Jinyoung, Youngjae knew he needed to reconcile with Jinyoung. 

“Yeah.” He turned to face Jinyoung as the elder climbed into the seat next to him. “We’re good, hyung.”

Youngjae swallows the relief when he sees Jinyoung’s usual friendly smile return. He doesn’t remember when the last time he was able to take a breath without fearing judgement but he’s going to take it all in. It’s been too long since he was able to have a friendly conversation with any of his members and he’s surprised when he realizes how much he really misses them all. Even though they all lived in the same house, there was minimum contact.

And this moment...

It was like water in a desert; rewarding, relieving but also alarming.

It’s a relief of all of Youngjae’s misery but he can’t help but stay wary of what is to come. This moment of relief almost feels as though it is a forewarning of other things waiting to happen to him and Youngjae is washed over with a cold paranoia. 

_ What if what is to come is worse than what has already happened? _

 

~ * ~

 

“So…” Jinyoung says quietly as he leans in toward Youngjae. “What’s up with you and Junhong?”

A bubbling sensation creeps into Youngjae’s stomach. His eyes stay latched to his reflection in the mirror. He admires his style today; casual with an almost innocent schoolboy feel. His hair tossed into something between ‘I-woke-up-like-this’ and ‘I-used-too-much-hairspray-for-this-natural-look’, Youngjae does a final wardrobe check before turning to answer Jinyoung. 

“Nothing. We’re just hanging out tonight.” Youngjae gestures for Jinyoung to hand him his backpack. “We’re spending sometime with his members. Probably going to make some music, watch some movies and play some games.”

“Make some music, eh?” Jinyoung smiles teasingly.

“Hyung…” Youngjae throws his backpack over his shoulder, completely ignoring Jinyoung’s innuendos. “I’ll see you guys later.”

Jinyoung laughs at Youngjae blatantly ignoring his remarks. He’s gotten a lot more blunt than what Jinyoung remembers. 

“Alright. Have fun.” Jinyoung passes the younger’s facemask toward him. “Just let us know if you need anything.”

Youngjae laughs. “I’ll be fine, Mom. Can I leave yet?”

“Oh! Is he picking you up? That’s so sweet of him.” Jinyoung pokes more fun.

“Bye!” Youngjae exclaims as he shoves his feet into his shoes and hurries out of the front door. 

He may have made up with Jinyoung but the other members were a different story. They will all require some one on one time and considering that Jackson has made it a life mission to create as many barriers between them as possible, it was going to take longer than one day to make up with them all. Youngjae figured he could take some time away to fix things with himself before tried fixing things with the other members. 

“You look like you’re in very deep thought.” Junhong’s even voice drags Youngjae out of his tangled mind. 

“Hello to you, too.”

“Hi.” Junhong gestures for Youngjae to climb into the car with a charming smile. “Don’t worry. Himchan’s only driving us from here to our dorm and then we can head out from there.”

Youngjae chuckles quietly to himself. He’s not the only one with a babysitter. 

But surprisingly, Himchan does leave them to do whatever they want, even giving them a little extra money and leaving them with an almost non-existing curfew. 

“Where are we going?” Youngjae asks as they walk down an empty alleyway. 

“I know a place. It’s very quiet and private.” Junhong offers a schoolboy smile. “They know me so you don’t have to worry about anything.” 

Youngjae stops dead in his tracks. “This sounds suspicious.” He sends a teasing smirk toward Junhong. “I hope you’re not planning on kidnapping me. I’ll tell you now, Jackson is the best at investigative work. He’ll find you even if you die and get reincarnated.”

Junhong’s laughter resounds through the empty alleyway. 

“I can assure you, you’ll be safe with me.” 

 

~ * ~

 

“You said I’d be safe!” Youngjae exclaimed as he dashed under the storefront. 

“We are safe!” Junhong follows behind him closely.

“I don’t think being rained on in this cold weather is considered safe.” Youngjae walks through the door as Junhong holds it open for him. “Who knows? I might catch something and never perform again.”

“I won’t let that happen.” Junhong knocks on the vacant wooden table. 

“Really?” Youngjae gestures toward Junhong’s actions.

“I’m just balancing out the universe a little. You can never be too sure of anything.” Junhong offers a little smirk. “Sit down. I’ll be right back with a drink.”

It’s interesting to Youngjae how well he gets along with Junhong. It’s easy to talk to the other male; almost as if Junhong knows exactly what to say to complete his own unfinished thoughts. Youngjae is almost sure that he’s spent majority of the night wondering how it was possible to share so many similar hobbies, traits and experiences with someone. From childhood neighborhood explorations to training experiences to relationships. Youngjae vaguely remembers asking himself at some point in the night why he’s never noticed Junhong before. 

“I’m glad this shop was open.” Junhong mumbles softly. “I was afraid this place was going to be closed as well.”

“You don’t have this planned out very well.” 

Junhong’s shoulders relaxes and he breathes a sigh of relief when he notices the teasing smile on Youngjae’s face. 

“It’s part of my charm.” Junhong winks playfully. “I’m a beautiful mess.”

“I don’t think you’re suppose to say that about yourself.”

“It’s another part of my charm.” Junhong shrugs sarcastically nonchalant. “Confident and self aware.”

Youngjae takes a sip from his drink. It’s creamy and sweet with a hint of hazelnut leaving his lips with a slight tingle. It’s the perfect drink to warm his body back up from their little adventure in the rain. There aren’t any other words exchanged between them as they both fall into a mutual silence; their notebooks open, pencils hurriedly scribbling down notes, lyrics and thoughts. Soft jazz music plays in the background as they fall deeper into their own minds. 

The level of comfort and familiarity the Junhong provides for Youngjae is almost overwhelming, and when the thought flashes across Youngjae’s mind, it triggers a rush of emotions that takes him by surprise. He wants to reach out but at the same time curl deeper into his own darkness. He grips his pencil harder; his mind and heart racing against each other. Junhong has provided everything that he ever thought he needed; whether from a friend or a lover. He’s a breath of fresh air when Youngjae feels like he’s dying of JB’s toxin. He’s a relief from the pressure at the dorms. And when it seems like Youngjae’s moving further away from the light at the end of the tunnel, Junhong somehow always knows what to say to pull him right back. It makes him want to cry, laugh and scream altogether.

Maybe this is what it feels like to hit a high after such a dark and low point in your life. 

“Is this the part where I look over and I find a very detailed sketch of my face on your notebook? Or am I a little too early?” 

Youngjae feels the burn start from the top of his cheeks move to the bottom of his neck. 

_ Junhong caught him staring. _

“Sorry.”

“About what?” Junhong quirks his head to the side.

“About- I’m just sorry…” Youngjae traces circles onto the top of his page. He can’t believe he got caught staring. He wants to melt onto the ground and disappear through the cracks between the wooden planks. His circles have become a dark pile of loose lead and he feels a cramp creeping into his fingers from how hard he’s gripping his pencil. 

_ You’re such an idiot, Youngjae. _

Junhong chuckles before leaning back into his chair, enjoying the scene falling before him a little more than he should be.

“So you like this place?” Junhong saves Youngjae from drowning in his own embarrassment any longer.

“I…” Youngjae looks up at Junhong and then disconnects from the direct eye contact immediately, in fear of burning out all remaining circuits in his brain. 

He scans the small little cafe and for the first time Youngjae realizes how cozy it was. Books lined the walls from top to bottom and multiple ladders were pushed into the corner to make room for tables but still usable, if need be. The corners were accented with beautiful wild greenery and small cushioned chairs. Industrial-inspired lights hung from the ceilings going whichever different ways but working together to bring out the architectural detailing of the exposed wood. “I like it. A lot.”

“I’m glad you do.”

“You come here often?” 

“That’s a secret.” Junhong does that thing with his eyebrow and causes Youngjae to respond with a scoff.

“It’s not a secret if you bring everyone here, Junhong.” 

“You’re the first person I’ve brought here.”

Youngjae feels the burn on his cheeks coming back, the lump in his throat growing by the second and the fluttering raced the rapid beating in his chest. For the hundredth time since the beginning of the night, Junhong has knocked Youngjae off his feet, left him speechless and has done nothing to help him up.

“You seem surprised.” Junhong leans into his hand that is propped up on the table. Even at this angle he still thinks Youngjae is quite a treat to the eyes. 

“I am.” 

“I’m not some player that has a million people hanging on a thread for my own pleasure, you know.”

“Hmm, could’ve fooled me.” Youngjae gives him a crooked smile. 

“I’m loyal to my person.” 

Youngjae puts his crooked smile away for another time. His mind is back in the dumpster and he thinks he’s having a heart attack.

 

~ * ~

 

They leave the cafe ten minutes before they close for the night and join the crowds on the street as they wander; neither wanting the night to end. The rain has long stopped but the air is still chilly and the only warmth Youngjae has is the heat radiating off Junhong. He doesn’t realize how close he’s walking next to Junhong until his knuckles brush against the other’s denim pant. 

Junhong didn’t seem to be bothered by the closeness, Youngjae noted. 

“I’m sorry we didn’t get to do much.” Junhong sticks his hands into his pockets with a sigh. “It wasn’t much of a hangout.”

“It was better than hanging out in the studio.” Youngjae smiles as he replays the night in his mind. “It was a nice break from things at the dorms.”

“I bet.” Junhong’s voice tenses. 

“Thank you.” Youngjae turns to look at Junhong. “For everything tonight. I needed it.”

“No problem.” Junhong returns Youngjae’s wide smile. 

Junhong blames the coolness in the air for the pale pink spreading across his face. 

They reach the B.A.P. dorm much faster than either of them would like; even with them purposely slowing down their steps plenty of blocks away.

“Himchan says he’ll be down in a bit to drive you back.” Junhong opens the car door and gestures for Youngjae to enter. “We can just wait in the car.”

Youngjae chuckles a little after they settle into the back seat and it catches Junhong’s attention. 

“What’s so funny?”

“Doesn’t this make you feel like a regular teenager?”

“Does  _ what _ make me feel like a regular teenager?”

“This. All of this. Hanging out at cafes. Walking the streets late at night.” Youngjae raises a brow at Junhong. “Being picked up and dropped off by our babysitters.”

Junhong throws his head back in loud laughter. 

“Yeah! I guess it does.” Junhong’s laughter softens into a quiet chuckle. He leans into Youngjae’s side. “You know what else regular teenager’s do?”

Youngjae hears himself internally scream when he realizes the lack of space between them. His ears are ringing and he feels nervous all of a sudden. He blinks a few times to make sure he hadn’t fallen asleep and dreamt this entire scene up. The pain from him biting his inner cheek proves this was reality. 

“Wh-what?”

“They make out in the backseat.” 

Youngjae is convinced that someone has stolen all of the air in the car. His breath is stuck somewhere between his chest and his nose. He feels like he’s choking but he’s frozen in place; eyes locked on Junhong. He wonders what Junhong tastes like, what he feels like. Would it be anything similar to JB? 

“Good thing we’re not regular teenagers, huh?” Junhong winks at Youngjae teasingly.

Youngjae clenches his fist into his denim pant and releases the breath that was caught in his throat. 

“Hah.” Youngjae’s forced laugh leaves a sour taste in his own mouth. “I… I guess so.”

Junhong smiles at Youngjae’s innocence. 

This is the moment he’s been waiting for all night. 

Junhong has never been more sure of anything else than this very moment. The way his body naturally reacts to the Youngjae’s; his heart, his mind and soul. Every part of his existence. The vibration between their frequencies has Junhong trembling in excitement and he’s itching to get more. It’s a split of a second decision and before Junhong can fully comprehend it, he’s leaning in and connecting his lips with Youngjae’s. He’s suddenly reminded of the soft pillows and the lingering dew on the inside of a flower after a rain storm.

Junhong has kissed other people before; that is if you count So Eun in the 2 nd grade, where she had tripped and fallen down on top of him during recess on the playground, or that time in the 9 th grade when he was too curious and his – then – best friend was too drunk to remember anything. But this didn’t feel like any of the other times. It was something ultimately new and Junhong finds himself loving the connection more than he thought he would. Junhong has always wondered why Daehyun and Youngjae liked kissing each other so much. He doesn’t have to wonder anymore.

But when Junhong doesn’t get a response he pulls away, nervously. The look on Youngjae’s face makes the fluttering feeling in his stomach drop and his chest freeze. He doesn’t know what Youngjae is thinking and feeling and for the first time since his debut, he was terrified. What was the look on Youngjae’s face? Surprise? Disgust? Disappointment? 

“I-I’m so-sorry…” Junhong stutters an apology. His confidence earlier vanishing into thin air. “I shouldn’t ha-have… I…” Junhong shakes his head before scooting away toward the opposite car door. A realization washed over him.  _ He fucked up. _

A soft hand on his stops him in his tracks. Youngjae gently pulls Junhong toward him by his hand and uses his other hand to get a hold of Junhong’s collar, softly tugging Junhong’s face toward his. Junhong feels his stomach in his throat, his chest is tight and his body burning. Is this how it’ll feel every time he’s close to Youngjae?

“Don’t be sorry.” Youngjae whispers heavily, lips close enough but only barely brushing the tip of Junhong’s. It was a test of Junhong’s patience and he wasn’t sure if he’d make it. But Youngjae’s grip tightens on Junhong’s hand as he closes the space between them and Junhong is given the relief he craved for so long. The relief ends too soon. Youngjae is pulling away with a soft tap against his lips before completely disconnecting their lips.

Junhong nervously swallow the lump in his throat when Youngjae looks up at him. “Please don’t hurt me like…” Youngjae doesn’t continue but Junhong knows. He sees the fear, the hurt, the cry for help and the desperation for hope in Youngjae’s eyes.

Junhong cups Youngjae’s face with his free hand and leans in close. 

“I won’t hurt you, I promise.” 

“Good.” Youngjae says softly, a shy smile skidding across his lips. 

Junhong catches the slight hint of hazelnut lingering on Youngjae’s lips as he deepens their connection.


End file.
